Disclaimer: China and hashing can be dangerous activities.  The organizers of the Guangzhou Hash accept no liability for anything that happens before, during or after the Hash.

 

 

Hashvertisement #1213/14 – The Kiwi Fuck Off Hashes

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash on May 23

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

UPDATE RED DRESS CHARITY

Once again, on behalf of the two orphans, a big thank you to all the hashers who made donations. You really pulled it off this time and put the smile back on their angel faces!

 

In a dramatic race against the school’s deadline, we managed to raise another 1500 RMB in a matter of just a few (miraculous) minutes* at the end of the last hash dinner. With this final contribution we are able to put the children through the entire school year and save them from a life on the streets – at least for now. Say hooray, if you can get off on these sorts of things. If not, then it’s possibly really good news to you that Thumbleprints or Hunkaspunk won’t push*** you to do any further good until next year’s Red Dress Hash. So say Hooray, too.

 

FULL MOON HASH

In return for your generous and voluntary donations, Hunka and Thumble have done and will do really good things to you these days. Let’s talk about Hunkaspunk first. As the Religious Advisor of the Full Moon Hash he has carried out extensive mystical rituals**** to determine the most auspicious date for another Best Full Moon Hash Ever, and ordered the hares to set it on exactly that day. Well done, RA!

 

When:                    Thursday, 23^rd of May 2013 @ 7.30 PM

Where:                   Haizhu Square Station, Exit A, Line 2

Who:                      Missing With Action and Forest Hump

 

By almost unbelievable coincidence, this is exactly the day when our veterans fly in. But maybe it isn’t a mere coincidence but rather the disguised will of the hash gods that the veterans shall join the Full Moon Run? Who knows? The hash gods’ ways are nearly as mysterious as Hunkaspunk’s towards the end of any of his shamanic ceremonies.

 

KIWI FUCK OFF HASH

Let’s talk about Thumbleprints next. Satisfied with having spared two kids from selling their innocence to the highest bidder in some filthy backstreet alley, Thumbleprints is now twice as motivated to carry out her duties as Hash Cash and Chief Hare Consultant during the upcoming Kiwi Fuck-Off Hash. Some claim that her job in Yingde should be extremely simple this year. With so many veterans around she wouldn’t have to worry about Dumb Dumb***** for a single moment and could focus entirely on organizing everything else.

 

Let me clarify one small but important detail. Veterans aren’t necessarily pet doctors, and our particular veterans have other things on their agenda than providing a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a middle-aged, neutered dog. In fact, they have absolutely no track record of dog rescues at all and are not qualified to avoid dog fatalities******. They are attending the hash frenzy in their capacities as former dicknitaries of our distinguished Hash, and fly in from places as far away as the USA or Taiwan to pay tribute to the Globetwatter and her Sir Cum Navigator; and of course to party like hash-frenzy crazy. So welcome back Soggy Biscuit, Filthy Habits and all the other vets.

 

APPROPRIATE HASH BEHAVIOUR

As nice as it is to have the veterans back: Since they aren’t real veterinarians, and cannot help Thumbleprints with Dumb Dumb, you’ll all have to be super supportive to her. You do so by simply following her instructions instantly and without questioning them, especially when we check in or check out of the hotel.  Remember: Her job is the most stressful one this weekend, and if she asks you for money, it’s probably for a perfectly good reason. If you fail to comply you put Dumb Dumb’s life at risk, and if anything happens to the dog you’ll have his death on your conscience and to live with this burden for the rest of your miserable life. Please keep in mind that with 100+ hashes he is GZH3’s only centurion dog. You see, it’s really not worth to be rebellious. So, as long as your name isn’t Stefon or Dumb Dumb, just do as Thumbleprints says*******.

 

RUN FEE…

Thumbleprints also did the meth again, or – to be precise – she’s redone my meth. When I previously did it, I obviously based it on an altered logical concept. My bad, I’m really sorry. To make a short story a bit longer: the run fee for the weekend hash can stay as low as 350 RMB, no matter whether 66, 76 or 86 hashers sign up. Well done, Hash Cash!

 

I have to admit, I was never able to get truly fond of meth. Not in school, and certainly not during my time in China. Fortunately, I must say now. Only very recently I found out that it does shocking things to decent people, and already did so to a dearly loved role model of mine (see attachment if you’re over 18. Warning: The images are deeply disturbing and can forever change the memory of your childhood).

 

…and what you’ll get for it – A GREAT DEAL

 

2 great fun rides on the hash bus, one to Yingde, and one back to GZ on Sunday afternoon. And yes, we’ll pay the toll fees and take the freeway in order to minimize the number of pee stops.

1 in more than one way breath-taking trail on Saturday

1 flawless hangover hash on Sunday

Cold beer and softies throughout the weekend

Dinner on Saturday

Lunch on Sunday

Saturday night in a standard double bed room at an infamous Hash Hotel, in pinyincalled the supei fan heshi haosi binguan

2 great hash T-shirts, designed by two legendary hash shirt designers

 

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

When:                    Friday, May 24, at 7 PM. Bus leaves at 7.30 PM

When else:            Saturday, May 25, at 10 AM. Bus leaves at 10.30 AM

Return:                  Sunday, late afternoon. Hard to tell exact time, so don’t bother asking

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

What:                     Pay tribute to (aka ‘fuck off’) our most glamorous hashers

Who:                      Globetwatter, Sir Cum Navigator

Hares:                   Gorf, Furry Thing, Circle Jerk, Thumbleprints, Globetwatter, Sir Cum

 

FRIDAY BUS

If you go on Friday you’ll have to pay for the hotel and the food on that day. The official event is from Saturday to Sunday only, and only then the Hash is paying. We have very few seats left on this bus, and it might be full by the time you have finally cum to this point of the hashvertisement.

 

SATURDAY BUS

We will most probably have some empty seats available on Saturday morning. But if you just show up at the bus, we cannot necessarily guarantee a hotel room for you. Anyway, if you cannot make an earlier decision, then just do it. We’ll probably find a way to sort things out, as long as you bring enough money with you, and are not opposed to getting publicly humiliated in the circle.

 

Important: Bring your own lunch, or bring more to share it with others. When you arrive in Yingde you will first have to run, circle-up and check-in before you get anywhere near a proper source of non-liquid food.

 

Let us know if you make up your mind and decide to go, and let us know as soon as possible!!! We will then make all necessary follow-up arrangements.

 

BREAKFAST

Apparently, if you do the meth right you don’t feel the urge for a proper breakfast anymore. Therefore, the Hash Cash concluded that it cannot be included in our super low, heavily subsidized run fee of ridiculously little 350 RMB. Instead, the hotel can provide a Chinese breakfast buffet without coffee for 13 RMB per head. However, this needs to be ordered 24 hours in advance, and we are doubtful that such an advance arrangement would work out in reality. If you want to be on the safe side, follow the mismanagement’s wise recommendation and bring some breakfast along. There is no other restaurant nearby our hotel. But don’t you start worrying now. We’ll make sure that you’ll get somewhat safely to all the other meals.

 

STAYING BEHIND IN GZ

There is no slimmed hash run or anything like this in or around Guangzhou. The entire mismanagement is going to Yingde, so you either cum with us, or you are screwed. There is absolutely nothing to do anywhere else in the city. Best thing you could do is to knock yourself out. If you choose this option, order large quantities of alcoholic beverages at the Gold Mango Bar and consume them immediately. Reorder even before you have finished them. Remember: If you support Tony’s bar, you also support the Guangzhou Hash.

 

The second best thing you can do is to join the Shekou Hash in Shenzhen, although I am not sure whether they really want to have sociopaths like you, who won’t go to Yingde when having absolutely nothing else to do. Check out their home page for the next run, and their policy on nutcases.

 

On On,

00

 

*no further explanation offered on this one: “Tits out for the Kids”! I also would like to assure all those hashers who may feel that they might have been slightly victimized during Saturday night’s spielbergesque finale**, that everything that happened only happened for the greater good. And it still continues to do so. By the way, can anyone tell me how one can sell ‘bizarre’ photos online without raising the attention of the internet police?

**in the end the good ones win, in this case the kids

***some claim ‘to push’ is a misleading term, and it should be called ’to extort’

****this isn’t as easy as you might think, and it is almost always accompanied by a colossal headache the next morning

*****Dumb Dumb is known as Dong Dong outside the Hash

******dog rescues are part of the hash gods’ job descriptions. In fact, that’s exactly why we originally created them, right after last year’s unfortunate dog incident.

*******if you still want to be a smart ass and disobey our Hash Cash, please read the sentence below and confirm to us in written that you have fully understood its meaning and probable consequences

 

Disclaimer: China and hashing can be dangerous activities.  The organizers of the Guangzhou Hash accept no liability for anything that happens before, during or after the Hash.

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Hashvertisement # 1212 – The Street Life Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Thanks to all donors for your generous contributions last week! However, I got a lot of complaints that I hadn’t properly introduced the nature of the charity that we are supporting. Especially some of the local hashers were kept in the dark because of all that English talk on our hash.

 

So, here we go. Please find an introduction by Pocahontas, aka Eveready, aka Pearl, written last year when we first donated to the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong, and find out what your money is being spend on:

 

今年的“红裙子慈善跑”，我们选择把募捐款项和您的爱心捐助给广东公益恤孤助学会，资助孤贫学生。

广东公益恤孤助学会是依法成立的民间慈善团体，核心业务是无偿资助孤贫学生上学。

助学会全部资金来自海内外民间捐赠，所有捐款100%用于慈善事业，所有行政费用由理事单位另外提供。工作人员除八名是受薪的专职人员外，另有过千名在册工作的志愿者。

助学会成立时向社会公开承诺：

● 所有捐款和物资全部用于符合本会章程、宗旨的慈善性公益事业。

●财务收支完全公开，欢迎和接受捐赠人、社会各界人士、新闻媒体和政府主管部门查询、检查、监督。

● 本会不从事任何营利性经营活动，确保所有捐款的安全。

● 本会领导不领取工资、津贴等任何报酬。

成立时给捐赠人公开信：欢迎“在任何时候，可以在事先不通知我们的情况下，前来查询、审核和指导，我们将提供全部资料和工作方便。

网址：http://www.oesgd.org.cn/

 

Bottom line is we pay for two very poor primary school students the tuition fees, learning materials, school meals etc. I believe this charity is legitimate. I met the chairman twice. He is a retired former top manager of Cosco, who is financially independent, and could probably make a shitload of money as a professional consultant. Instead he dedicates his time, energy, and money to help underprivileged children. He made a very sincere and trustworthy impression on me, if you give any credit to my judgment of people.

 

While we are still counting*, it’s already fair to assume that we collected considerably less money than last year. That means that we will have to take the two orphans out of school by Christmas, with a bit of luck only after the New Year. But then it’s finally ‘Life on the Streets’ for them. Sorry, kids. It’s tough out there, but it will certainly teach you some very valuable lessons. Trust me. I learnt quite a few there myself, if that is any consolation to you. Probably it’s not. After all, I chose to. And I also wasn’t six years old when I did so.

 

Other mismanagers of the Guangzhou Hash however find the ‘street solution’ to be unsatisfactory. Believe it or not, they would (for a wide variety of reasons) rather like to see the children finish the school year.

 

Well, ok then, so we will again accept donations this cuming Saturday. As a matter of fact, this really makes sense, because even though we again had 70+ hashers there always seem to be some missing. A lot of people for instance were wondering why both, Sveta and Wee Willy, would miss such a highly prestigious event. Well, they actually made the ultimate hash sacrifice last Saturday. Being too super busy on every other day of the week, they made the painful decision to skip the Red Dress Run and go into the woods to find another Best Hash Ever for us. At least so they say.

 

So these two fine young hashers, and the others who missed last week’s hash, and of course those who didn’t get the point of what we were doing last Saturday, will get another chance to put a smile on two little angel faces.

 

When:                    Saturday, May 18, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

What:                     smiling kids (don’t worry, not on the hash)

Who:                      Sveta and Wee Willy

 

On On,

00

 

*meaning I forgot the exact number I got from the Hash Cash. It doesn’t matter though, because AS YOU KNOW the number isn’t final, yet.

 

PS: If you want to join the Kiwi Fuck Off Hash pay 350 RMB to Hash Cash on Saturday.

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Hashvertisement #1215 – the First Tuesday Hash 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Executive Summary

When:                    Tuesday, May 14^th at 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

or

When:                    at 2.30 PM

Where:                  Guang Wai University

Hares:                   Globetwatter and 00

Run fee:                20 RMB only

Issue:                    International reputation of GZH3 at stake

 

The KL Hash has sent 18 representatives to explore hashing in China. They have already toured most of the country, and seen quite a number of hashes, but they are smart people and have saved the best for last. So let’s welcome them to the Guangzhou Hash.

 

I understand that some of you have real day jobs, but why not call in sick? That way you won’t have to miss the run on Tuesday. Yes, that’s right, that’s in two days from now.

 

We meet at the Mango Bar at 1.30 PM. However, seats on the bus are very limited, so it is IMPORTANT that you contact me if you want to be on it. The run site is nearby in Baiyun Park. So maybe you want to consider getting there by bus or taxi. The A-point is about 1km north of the Baiyun Mountain Park West Gate. Turn right at the Foreign Language University and follow the road for a few hundred meters. We will begin flouring the trail from the sidewalk. We have started many runs from there. The hares are off at 2.30 PM.

 

For those who prefer buses: #1 bus goes directly to the A-point, but there aren’t many of them. Take #245 instead and get off at the main entrance of Guang Wai University and walk down the road to the A-point.

 

The dinner will be at the infamous hash restaurant at the South Gate of the Baiyun Park.

 

Q: Why is the run fee 20 RMB only? That seems to be very cheap.

A: Yes, it is cheap, even though transportation isn’t included.

 

On On,

00

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Hashvertisement – Reminder for #1211, #1213, #1214

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

You are probably also only too familiar with this common but nevertheless painfully dreadful phenomenon: There’s an awful lot of money lying around at your home, and you are constantly agonizing over whether you’ll ever get an opportunity to get rid of it.

 

Rejoice! AS YOU KNOW, the mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash usually has the ideal solution to your problems, and it is also in this particular matter able to guide you onto the so-called ‘Hash Trail of Rightness’. These are the easy steps you’ve got to take if you truly want to pursue doing the Right thing:

 

-      Locate the money! Check your drawers, books, socks, hell – even inside the fridge if you think there’s a possibility, and under the carpet and the mattress, and anywhere else where your money would naturally hang out. If you can’t find any at all, you might want to see whether it’s hiding in your bank account.

-      Store all the money you can get hold of in an adequate repository. Wallets are good, suitcases or 12-foot containers are better (when filled properly).

-      Pick the cutest RED dress from your wardrobe.

-      Put it on, fetch the repository with the money, and show up at the Gold Mango Bar on Saturday @ 1.30.

-      Once you get there, immediately surrender all of the money to the hash cash. Mention that it is for the Orphans Education Society of Guangdong. You know you have done everything Right up till now when Thumbelprints winks at you and tells you in a conspirative voice that she “understands”.

-      Feel good about yourself for being so enormously generous.

-      Run the Best Red Dress Hash trail ever. According to the extremely experienced but amazingly humble hares major satisfaction is guaranteed (that translates to four climaxes for runners, and three for walkers).

-      Feel even better.

-      Circle up. Make sure you’ve got at least one beer in your hand at all times. Drink till you drop, if you must. According to a representative of our beer supplier this will only make you stronger, but has no other side effects worth mentioning.

-      Experience the complete and utter Rightness of your doing.

-      Feel best.

 

Of course, no sincere reader of this hashvertisement will assume for a fraction of a second that the ‘Hash Trail of Rightness’ could possibly end just there, or – even worse – with that devastating hangover on Sunday morning. And quite Rightly so. The ‘Trail’ continues to wind through the month of May towards the end of it, when we Guangzhou Hashers are going to pay a final tribute to our friends and long-time fellow hashers Globetwatter and Sir Cum, who – AS YOU KNOW – have decided to abandon us.

 

Here is the latest tour update:

It turns out that our decision to bring up two buses (Friday and Saturday, May 24/25, both return to GZ on Sunday) to Qingyuan was very wise*. Both buses are filling up quickly. We have already 55+ registrations and still over two weeks left until departure. If you want to make use of the early bird discount (the first 66 to sign up), you’d better pay another 350 RMB at the Gold Mango Bar on Saturday. (That’s of course on top of your donation to the orphans.) The mismanagement promises to keep the price at 350 RMB throughout Saturday, even in the highly likely event that we are going to exceed the number of 66 registrations!

 

When signing up, don’t forget to tell Thumbelprints whether you want to go on Friday or Saturday.

 

For more details on these two events, carefully study two recent hashvertisements.

 

On On,

00

 

*Once again, as one must jealously admit. There appears to be a pattern.

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Hashvertisement # 1211 – The Red Dress Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

You receive this hashvertisement already today so that you’ll have enough time to make all necessary arrangements before the special event on Saturday.

 

Those of you who only joined us during the past 12 months haven’t probably yet realized how dearly the tradition of the Red Dress Run is held by the old timers on the Guangzhou Hash, and how dearly it will soon be held by you, too. Hence, it’s not only  my honor but rather my duty to enlighten you.

 

And in order to make this job as easy - or even easier - as possible, please find below a highly revealing article on this subject. It was published in one of the first issues of the In the Red magazine; at a time when its makers were still trying to make a difference on the English language magazine scene in Guangzhou by occasionally displaying patterns of journalistic behavior. Those days are long gone, but the article is still as informative and up-to-date as if it were made up just this morning.

 

The mismanagement has decided to continue the support for the Orphan Education Society, the charity organization mentioned in the article. There is also a link to their entirely Chinese homepage at the bottom of the article. So please bring some extra cash for the poor kiddos.

 

In order to get an idea about what to wear on such a classy occasion check out the attached pictures from last year’s run.

 

Quote from ‘In the Red’:

On a hot and humid day in May 2011, a local TV station aired an interview with the elderly Mrs. Wong, who had just returned from the Long Yan Dong reservoir, where she fetches fresh spring water.

 

‘I had finished my break, and was carrying my bamboo pole with the water containers hanging from it’, the visibly annoyed woman reported to the instigative journalist on the scene, ‘when I heard a noise coming from the undergrowth. A few moments later, two large and hairy gweilos broke through the bushes, sweating like pigs, and gooey flour smeared all over their bodies and faces. Even more terrifying though was the fact that they were wearing red evening dresses, which didn’t even fit them. They looked at me with a mad grin and…to my great relief…spared me…and then set off. I felt it was safer to let them get a bit away from me and so I sat down again. But…oh no…I hadn’t even shut my mouth yet, when all hell broke loose. Forty or so of the red cross-dressers appeared, shouting something unintelligible… obscenities I presume…that sounded like ‘On On’, or’ Ice the Hares!’ Later though, I was told that these creatures were not dangerous, but merely wanted to play. Go figure…!!!’

 

What happened to the indignant Mrs. Wong happens to many unaware residents, every time the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers celebrate their Annual Red Dress Run. The flamboyant red dresses and costumes that the hashers wear to show off are certainly worth staring at. Even though the Ladies of the Hash have worked very hard on their outfits – this is the one day of the year when the men dominate the Hash fashion, and the air in the circle is filled with their giggling and excited high-pitched chattering. One of the hares, still wearing his gooey red pajamas, is now carrying a cute orange parasol. Another hasher, a 100kg man, is wearing a ballerina skirt, his bushy dark leg hair sticking out through bright red stockings. Two guys, who got the same red blouse that had been on sale at their favorite factory outlet on Zhanxi Lu, start a cat fight, while a stocky hasher begins to feel claustrophobic in a sexy red top an unknown girl left in his apartment a few years ago. It’s the same top he had already worn in previous years, and year after year the sexy top seems to have shrunk. Now it’s about four sizes too small for this rather large fellow. Others make suggestive remarks about the proud wearer of a slutty shine-through negligee, and whistle after a young local hasher who is dressed in a traditional, figure-hugging red qipao. Like everyone else here, he, too, is hopeful to be voted for Best Red Dressed Hasher.

 

No one knows where the ancient Hash tradition of running in red dresses originates, except of course for Wikipedia. Nevertheless, for real hashers this event isn’t only about showing off, or startling the locals, or ridiculing ourselves…it is foremost a charity event. As such the Red Dress Run is celebrated by many Hash Kennels all around the world. Last year, we collected money for two hospital patients from neighborhoods we often run in. These patients couldn’t afford to pay for much needed dialysis treatment. The Guangzhou Hash donated the entire Red Dress run fees to help them. Individual hashers were even more generous, and at the end of the day we donated over 6,000 RMB. This year, the Hash is going to support the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong, an organization run by dedicated volunteers who provide the unfortunate children with food, clothes, study material and much more.

 

Back in the circle, towards the end, the stocky hasher with a sexy top from the now forgotten girl wins the contest for Best Red Dressed Hasher - as he has in previous years. The crowd cheered – or shrieked – louder for him than for any other contestant. The losers respectfully bow their heads to the victor, and pray that the darn top won’t fit him anymore next year.

 

But until that next Red Dress Hash, our boys will be boys again, and our girls won’t be mistaken for cheap whores when they hit the bars in town, after just another Best Hash Ever.

 

The Red Dress Hash is this coming May 11^th. If you want to join the fun, please obey ancient hash customs and wear a red dress. As usual the run fee is 50 RMB, but bring a bit more if you want to help children in need. Remember don’t forget your sports shoes! Like every Saturday, the Hash meets at the Gold Mango Bar at 1.30. More information on www.gzh3.net

Check out www.oesgd.org.cn/view.asp?id=1303  for information on the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong.

Unquote

 

So, once again, please dress appropriately!

When:                    Saturday, May 11, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

What:                     Red Dress Hash

Who:                      Furry Thing and 00

 

On On,

00

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Hashvertisement # 1210 – The Hunkaspunk and Constipation Reunion Hash

 

After both Hares had actually quite satisfactory little haring affairs with Forest Hump, Hunkaspunk and Constipation have decided to get together again to set another Best Ever run just like in the good old days.

 

So the usual remarks after a H. & C. run can be heard again this Saturday:

 

-“Stunning!”  “Epic!”  “Amazing!”  “Wow!” “Great!” “Definitely Best Ever!”

 

-“YOU STOLE MY RUN, I PLANNED TO DO THIS ONE BUT I THINK I AM SURE I GOT ANOTHER GOOD ONE. I WANT TO BE THE HARE NEXT WEEK, CAN I?” (GPS)

 

-“Much better than the casual sex I had last night. Btw guys, I don’t want to drink tonight but I happen to have brought a bottle of Vodka………..”

(Itchy & Scratchy)

 

-“Great Ash, Ares, tanks!” (YCS, Gorf, Pascal)

 

-“Whatever, it helped me to get rid of my hangover so let’s start drinking again.” (Constipation)

 

Further details:

 

-Meet at Mango Bar this Saturday at 1:30PM

 

-50 rmb in real notes, excl. dinner. Anybody paying with fake notes will be publicly flogged by Tumbleprints!

 

-Great weather

 

-Optional on-the-spot dinner like there is no tomorrow

 

ONON!!

Constipation

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NOBODY BUT THE BRAVE HASH

HASH 1209

That’s right folks, Saturday is the nobody but the brave hash as nobody wanted to hare because nobody wanted the responsibility of making a group of Pommy and Aussie whingers smile and be happy with what they receive!

 Forward strode a true ‘Brave Knight’ and his beautiful ‘Damsel’ with sword in hand to conquer these gay poofters with a Hash that will go down in the annals of history beside the stories of King Arthur and his knights of the round table. Yes, Hash 1208 will be all conquering!!!!

Where -Mango Bar

Time – If you are after 2 pm you will be left behind

Cost – If you need to ask – 500rmb, if you don’t usual price

Dinner – Best swordsman decides

Hares – The courageous ones

PS from the GM: Bring 350 RMB to register for the Kiwis Fuck Off Hash May (24)/25/26

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The Kiwis Fuck Off Hash on May 24/25/26, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

What may be received by many sexually unsatisfied sheep in NZ as joyous news means to us nothing else but that finally the time has come to say farewell to two of the most outstanding hashers in the nearly 30 years long history of the Guangzhou Hash. These two have not only hared more runs than any other currently active hasher, but combined also served our distinguished group as Grand Master, Assistant Grand Master, Religious Advisor, Haberdash, Harerazor, stand-in Hash Cash, and will certainly also be remembered by many of you as their name givers. Yes, sadly it’s true: The Kiwis have finally decided to exchange a harmonious society and civilization for clean air, and sheep-filled pastures of their native Hobbit land.

 

But before we even start to waste a single thought on how to fill the gap Globetwatter and Sir Cum are going to leave behind, and whether it is at all possible to remain the “Best Hash in China” without their unfailing dedication to the Guangzhou Hash, we should rather focus on how we are going to send them off in style. The mismanagement has therefore decided to honor the Kiwis with a fuck-off weekend hash in Yingde, near Qingyuan. As of now, this place is also widely referred to as the ‘better Yangshuo’, because the landscape is at least as beautiful as the one in Yangshuo, but it hardly gets any tourists. (Check out the hash flash on our website and click run 1161/62 to see pictures from our last trip to the better Yangshuo.)

 

It goes without saying that such a major event draws great attention from all around the hash globe, and many veterans have already announced to fly into GZ to join the party. In fact, the number of participants is rising as we speak (or read this). Therefore, we will send two buses to the run site, one on Friday evening, and the other one on Saturday morning.

 

And this is what you get for only 350 RMB:

 

2 great fun rides on the hash bus, one to Yingde, and one back to GZ on Sunday afternoon. And yes, we’ll pay the toll fees and take the freeway in order to minimize the number of pee stops.

1 in more than one way breath-taking trail on Saturday

1 flawless hangover hash on Sunday

Cold beer and softies throughout the weekend

Dinner on Saturday

Maybe some kind of breakfast on Sunday. Maybe.

Definitely lunch on Sunday

Saturday night in a standard double bed room at an infamous Hash Hotel, in pinyin called the supei fan heshi haosi binguan

2 great hash T-shirts, designed by two legendary hash shirt designers

 

This offer stands until the first 66 hashers* have signed up and paid. After that, the price will go up to 400 RMB. So don’t hesitate and register on any of the cuming Saturdays at the Gold Mango Bar before the regular hash.

 

If you want to go on Friday the price is still 350 RMB, but you have to pay for the Friday food and accommodation by yourself. We just provide the early transportation and the fun, i.e. a bucket full of ice cold beer.

 

When:                    Friday, May 24, 2013 @ 6 PM or

.                           Saturday, May 25, 2013 @ 10 AM until

.                           Sunday, May 26, 2013, in the late afternoon

.                           For our date-challenged hashers: this is in about a month from now

Where:                  Gold Mango Bar to Yingde

What:                   The Kiwis Fuck Off Hash

Hares:                   Globetwatter, Sir Cum, Thumbleprints, Circle Jerk, Furry Thing, Gorf

What else:             Make sure you’ll pay up ASAP

 

On On,

00

 

*Why 66, you may ask. Well, there is of course a perfectly logical reason why we picked this number.

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Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash on Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

As you know, Guangzhou is famous for delicious food (食在广州). Thus, our hares just consider that the coming fullmoon hash should not only have a wonderful trail, but also bring you to look for the yummy. Also, plenty of frozen Beer!

 

When: Thursday, 25th April, 7:30pm

Where: Metro Line 8, Xiaogang Station, Exit C (晓港站)
Who:   papasan & sunshine

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Hashvertisement # 1208 – the Non-Scientific Hash 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

I have never really given much credit to those creationists who claim that science doesn’t hold all the answers to the mysteries of life. After last Saturday however, I think a more non-scientific approach might be the more promising answer to the mystery of setting a perfect hash trail.

 

After a long and hard research the mismanagement has identified the two hashers with the most non-scientific approach to all things in life. So be there when finally a hash trail is set that completely and utterly disregards all forms of science.

 

When:                    Saturday, April 20, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

Who:                      Hunkaspunk, Forest Hump

What:                     The Non-Scientific Hash

 

On On,

00

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Hashvertisement # 1207 – The Scientific Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Where would we be without the achievements of modern science? Probably we’d still be stuck somewhere in the dark medieval days when emails weren’t sophisticated enough to even carry attachments. Thank Gods, those times have passed.

 

In order to prove that the mismanagement is going with the flow of time, please continue by opening and reading the attached hashvertisement.

 

On On,

00

 

PS: Don’t forget to go to Hooley’s in Zhujiang New Town at 7.30 tonight. A 10k run followed by beer and food. You can leave your bags at the bar upstairs. Rain will stop at 7.25PM.

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Hashvertisement # 1206 – The Tartan Day Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Tartan is a pattern consisting of criss-crossed horizontal and vertical bands in multiple colors, typically found on Scottish traditional clothing, and it’s probably the only pattern that a whole day of global and joyous celebrations has ever been dedicated to.

 

On Saturday, it’s been precisely 700 – give or take a few – years ago, since the infamous Declaration of Arbroath, in which the Scots vowed to wear tartan patterns no matter what, hence bringing about some kind of identity to themselves, and haunting the rest of the world with a lot of silly kilt jokes.

 

It goes without saying that it must be a Scotsman who hares such a historical run. Only good that the Guangzhou Hash can tap from a big pool of experienced Scottish hares, such as Shoeless Ho, Hello Sailor, Furry Thing or Floppy Disk to name just a few. After long and heated debates the mismanagement decided to give the honors to the most senior of all experienced Scottish hares – GPS. Wee Willy will serve as his sidekick, thus adding sufficient length, proper direction and German perfection to the trail.

 

On top, our Religious Advisor has promised that he is finally going to stop the rain by tomorrow afternoon, so that we can all look forward to a great day of hashing.

 

Absolutely NO bag pipes allowed, tartan or not!

 

When:                    April 6, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

What:                     The Tartan Day Hash

Who:                      GPS, Wee Willy

 

On On,

00

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Hashvertisement # 1205 – The Project X Long Dong Hash

(That’s The Longdongstock FlourPower Run for Sir Cum)

 

Thousands will gather with beers in their hands, an unseen large flock of uncontrollable Hashers will invade LongDong just to be part of the Best Ever LongDong Run in the history of the GZH3. The Hares will be sent to labor camps for life afterwards to pay for damages done, Double 00 will write a bestseller about it and the movie will follow.

 

Now you can wait for the book & movie and be forever miserable of regrets you weren’t there or just cum…..

 

Further details:

-Meet at Mango Bar 1:30PM, March 30, 2013

-Hares: Forest Hump & Constipation

-A to B run

-Walkers/Runners split

-(Dinner)party bus + back to town bus

-Irresponsible drinking allowed

 

ONON!!

Constipation

 

PS: Thanks to our new best friend, French wine importer Gilles, all the connoisseurs of fine French wines on our hash didn’t get hammered with our standard Cardbordeaux, but with something that really deserves to be called ‘fine wine’*. Last Saturday’s dinner was therefore again a perfect example that there is indeed one exception to the hash rule that making business on the hash is frowned upon. And that exception is called ‘large quantities of great – and more importantly – free booze’. I truly hope that there is some of it left for the next run, but I am of course in no position to tell as I don’t really recall many of the events during the second half of that evening. Need Gilles’ contact? Ask me.

 

*I am referring to the red one! Girls liked the white one, too, I’ve been told.

00

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Hashvertizement Full Moon Hash on March 28, 2013

Full Moon Hashers and Werewolves,

 

This week brings us to the mid-point of another glorious lunar cycle, and as such, the GZ Full Moon Hash will be free to roam the streets once again.

 

As you know, last month’s Full Moon Hash was epic… “Best of the Millenium” was overheard on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, this month will be nothing like last month.

 

On Thursday, the hares will both be men. The commodities index on flour has decreased and therefore the trail will be marked. There will be more people in the way. There will be more universities than the amazing run I hared in December. There will be more opportunities for Hashers to be amazed at the beauty of Tianhe. There will be more sex shops in the alleys. There will be more bash-related revelry than even Hunka can handle. This month, there will be more.

 

Who: Furry Thing and Raf the Brazillionaire

What: The More Fuller Moon Hash

When: 7:30 pm, Thursday, March 28, 2013

Where: Everyone’s favorite GZMetro station: Tiyu Xilu (体育西路) Exit B

 

On On,

Furry Thing

 

P.S. Chinese characters accompanying the otherwise self-explanatory Metro station are for Thumbleprints because she has a hard time with these things. Thumble: Lines 1 and 3 meet at this station. There are no other possible stations with similar names. I know you can find the A point this time.

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Hashvertisement # 1204 – The Two Buses Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

How do 75 and 82 add up to 2? It’s simple. Two weeks ago we had 75 hashers and one bus. That added up to 1 big screw-up. Last week we had 82 hashers and again only one bus. That also added up to 1 major screw-up. Therefore, if we get that many people again this time, we are going to have two buses. Accordingly, that will add up to 2 gigantic scre—… hold on, somehow this equation doesn’t make as much sense anymore as it did during the Hash press conference at the Mango Bar very, very late last night.

 

But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that the mismanagement has finally started to tackle the challenges arising from the increasing popularity of the Guangzhou Hash.

 

One big advantage of having two buses is that you can choose when you want to go home! Right after the circle the first bus will take everyone who had enough back to town, and the other one will stay with the hardcore hashers, who insist that a bash near the run-site is an essential and probably the best part of the hash.

 

When:                              Saturday, March 23, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                             Gold Mango Bar

What:                               More Comfort – More Flexibility – Same Price

Who:                                Thumbleprints and Fingerlicker

 

On a different note: Two more months until the Guangzhou Hash is going on a weekend hash again. Already mark May 25/26, 2013 in your calendar. Details will follow in due course.

 

On On,

00

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Hashvertisement # 1203 – The Triple Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

We neither promise nor rule out that you’ll get on this hash what a certain fitness club in Guangzhou is offering (see first attachment), but we can promise you a perfectly sized walker’s trail, an extraordinary runner’s trail and a tough ballbuster. Globetwatter, Gorf, Wasted Seed and all the others with that inexplicably deep desire for extra-long and extra-hard runs will finally cum to find true satisfaction.

 

What??? There will be three trails on Saturday? Can the hares do that?

Yes, they can! Find out how.

 

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

When:                    Saturday, March 16^th, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

What:                     satisfaction guaranteed

Who:                      Furry Thing*, 00, plus 1 mystery hare

 

On On,

00

*Learn more about hardships for furry things from the second attachment.

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Hashvertisement # 1202 – The Five Star Hash

Dear Guangzhou Hashers,

 

5 Star Hashing……it exists!!!!!

 

Limousine bus, the finest flour, virgin trails, carefully selected Certified Hares, World Heritage viewpoints, model pig farms, imported GM, VIP only circle, B-point swimming pool, fine wining/dining and civilized drunks…..

 

All will be there this Saturday so cum……

 

Other details:

Meet at Mango bar 1:30PM

A to B run

Walkers/Runners split

Hares: Forrest Hump & Constipation

 

ONON!!

Constipation

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Hashvertisement #1201 – The Soul Saving Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Many of you will agree that the Guangzhou Hash is currently in a confused state and probably at the verge of entering a time of spiritual darkness. The problem is that during the past weeks too many people were giving too much so-called religious advice. Seemingly endless and admittedly fruitless arguments have shaken many hashers’ confidence in the right trail. Even the weather gods have given us unequivocal signs of warning upon our dangerous flirtations with paganism.

 

In a crisis meeting at the Mango Bar late last night, calls for proper religious advice got so loud that the mismanagement decided to fly in the only two people who we hope can restore faith in the hashing spirits. The real RA will once and for all end all petty discussions on how to correctly carry out the religious rites, by simply doing it the right way. And as you know, behind every great RA stands an even greater woman (aka ‘the AssGM’) without who trails would be too short and too flat. So let’s welcome back Sir Cum and Globetwatter who left the Maori summer in their home of New Zealand to save the soul of the Guangzhou Hash.

 

When:                    Saturday, March 2, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

Who:                      Globetwatter and Sir Cum

 

On On,

00

 

 

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash on Tuesday, February 26, 2013 

DEAR GUANGZHOU FULL MOON HASHERS,

 

As you know….we fully respect women on the Full Moon Hash…..especially when they are young, beautiful and volunteer to be Hare like this month’s Hares Pixie Slut and Wooly Bush…..Now just let’s hope their navigation skills won’t let us down……

 

Knowing you will have to wait another 12 years to do a first Full Moon run in the Year of the Snake again and knowing true Full Moon Hashers don’t wait until Saturdays to get intoxicated, your presence is expected.

 

Meet at Mango Bar Tuesday the 26^th at 7:30PM

 

Constipation

 

 

Hashvertisement # 1200 – The Surprise Hash – 11.30 departure!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

On Saturday, the Guangzhou Hash is turning 1200 runs old. Congratulations, Guangzhou Hash. You are still looking fresh for someone so old.

 

But enough of all this vain flattery. In order to celebrate this historical event in style, the mismanagement has decided to surprise the Guangzhou Hash with a surprise hash. It’s indeed so much of a surprise that really no one’s got a clue where we are going to. Last night at the Mango Bar, some young studs tried to beat it out of the hares, but they wouldn’t talk. Then we tried to bring them to heel by inducing into them enormous quantities of beer. They still wouldn’t spit it out. And only when one amply experienced member of the diplomatic corps of an unnamed country suggested that since he personally never had come across anyone who had withstood the amount of pain that had been inflicted on the hares, the destination was probably still a surprise to them. Finally, the studs finally aborted the beer boarding.

 

We may not know where we are going, but we know the following: The bus leaves EARLY! Meeting time is at 11.30 AM on Saturday, February 23, 2013.

 

The hash does not provide any food for lunch. Bring your own, and maybe bring a bit more, to share it with the less fortunate hashers who’ll just make it out of the bed and to the Mango in time for departure. We will have dinner near the run site.

 

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

When:                    February 23, 2013 @ 11.30 AM – so get up early

Who:                      Circle Jerk, Muffdiver and 00

What:                     Anniversary Run of epic proportions

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement # 1199 – The Springy Snakey Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Gong Xi Fa Cai and Happy New Year of the Snake!!!

 

Last night when I asked the hares to tell me something about this week’s hash, they were still in the process of recovering from their spring break. Therefore, they merely hinted ‘springy and snakey’.

 

Springy – ok. Considering the wonderful weather cuming Saturday I’ve got a pretty good idea what they are talking about. It can obviously only mean that there will be a swimming pool at the B-point. But what the fudge is ‘snakey’ supposed to mean? Does it mean that their trail is winding up and down the mountains in serpentines? Or will the hares just like snakes always stay low and close to the ground? Are they going to bring the pack through private gardens where we are being tempted to pluck and eat ripe apples? And then? Where are we supposed to go from there?

 

So many questions, and as always the mismanagement has no answers. But also as always, you can easily find out what the hell is going on.

 

When:                    Saturday, February 16, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

Who:                      Constipation and Forest Hump

What:                     Bring your swim gear

 

On On,

00

 

 

Hashvertisement # 1198 – The Dysfunctional Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Saturday is the last day of the Year of the Dragon and the most important Chinese holiday of the year. People travel all across the country to spend this day together with their beloved ones.

 

However, not everyone has a happy home to go back to. Some are cursed with being part of a dysfunctional family, maybe even being the most dysfunctional part of their family themselves. It is for these people that the Guangzhou Hash is going to organize another great hash.

 

What’s the difference then to any other given Saturday if we’ll anyway get the same crowd, you may claim. Well, one difference is that our functional bus drivers already loaded up their vehicles with jiaozi and fireworks, and are currently heading towards their home provinces. This leaves us with no bus and no option but to hold a city run. However, it will be a proper GZH3 run with a lot of mountain trails and great views, and two (!) beer stops.

 

It has become a tradition on the Guangzhou Hash, that the first as well as the last Hash in any Year of the Dragon are hared by a real dragon. The mismanagement has done a lot of research and finally identified the last remaining dragon on our hash. The mismanagement has no doubt about Angry Dragon’s haring qualities, but has nevertheless asked 00 to be a co-hare. That’s mainly because someone has to make sure that the beer stops are in every regard hash proof. Well done, mismanagement!!!

 

This time, the Hash will not provide transportation or any drinks. Therefore, the run is FREE.

 

When:                    Saturday, February 9, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

What:                    Last Dragon Hash

What else:              Free Run

What else else:       Gong Xi Fa Cai

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement # 1197 – The Scottish Sailors Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

What do you associate with Scotland? Well, there are two correct answers to this question. If you are not Chinese, you probably have just shouted out ‘haggis!’, haven’t you? See, I knew it. What? You came up with Guinness? Oh dear.

 

However, if you are Chinese, and in particular if you are Cantonese, you probably just imagined a bunch of Scottish sailors – may their name be Jardine, Dent or whatever – bringing opium to Guangzhou and the rest of China. No doubt that you also associate Scottish sailors with the lost opium wars and the unequal treaties.

 

Hashers, I don’t know what is more harmful to your health, haggis or opium. Whatsoever, bottom line is that basically everyone has a good reason to be upset about them Scots. So it came a bit of a surprise when two otherwise formidable Scottish hashers, sailors both of them, stood up during the hash press conference at the Mango Bar very late last night to announce their candidacy for being Saturday’s hares.

 

‘We want to rright ourr wrroongs’, said one Paddy MacDonald*, a highlander with a nearly unintelligible accent. ‘Instead of opium, we want to bring our similarly addictive Best Hash Ever to the people of Guangzhou, and instead of haggis we are going to serve the best that Chinese cuisine has to offer.’

 

At this moment Hello Sailor drew his long thrusting dagger (I always forget the correct expression for it. It’s the dagger that all Scotsmen carry when outside their own house and also often when inside) and made some uncontrolled moves with it in order to emphasize what his co-hare had just told us.

 

Needless to say that no other volunteers came forward after this, and so everyone happily endorsed the two hares. So, all of ye, cum to the Scottish Sailors Hash.

 

When:                    Saturday, February 2, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

Hares:                   Two Scottish sailors

 

*name similar

 

On On,

00

Hashvertisement #1196 – The Aussie Day Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

People often claim that we hashers are just a bunch of ignorant drunkards who don’t care for anything but running and making filthy jokes. In order to prove that this is not entirely true and that we are also a circle of educated individuals, the mismanagement wants to point out that without us the 200^th or so ‘Australia Day’ would probably have gone completely unnoticed everywhere in the civilized world. Even in Australia, where everyone is happy to have a day off, people seem to have forgotten the historical importance of the events that lead to ‘Australia Day’. This really is a great pity because the lesson we can learn is extremely valuable; especially for hash mismanagers, but also for ordinary mortals.

 

Back then, there lived a British navy captain with the name of William Bligh. He was quite a zealot in his crusade against alcohol. On his ship, the Bounty, he would allow rum only when used as an anesthetic. It was only just and fair, he thought, to grant a patient a few sips of rum prior to having his arm or leg amputated. However, he had forgotten to specify and write down the exact conditions that may constitute the usage of rum. The crew members had a more ample view on this point and demanded rum not only when they got some part of their body cut off, but also for less serious conditions such as light head ache, morning nausea, or ADHS. The chef claimed that his cooking skills as well as his burning sensation while peeing were less troubling after a bottle of rum, or two.

 

When Captain Bligh was unwilling to compromise, conflict was inevitable. The desperate patients started a mutiny and put their captain and some other crew members who claimed to be healthy into the ship boat and left them to their fate. Captain Bligh steered the tiny boat over 3,500 nautical miles West to Australia, where he was made the Governor of a province obscurely called ‘New South Wales’. But again, zeal against rum became his private road to perdition. When he reduced the rations for army soldiers and officers, the New South Wales Regiment started the so-called ‘Rum Rebellion’, which overthrew the government on January 26, probably exactly 200 years ago. William Bligh had to flee; his life being a heap of shards*.

 

The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash thrives to be smarter than William Bligh was 200 years ago and has hopefully learned the obvious lesson from history: that cold beer** always has to be available in abundance on any given Hash Day, otherwise things will go completely down under the drain.

 

So, hashers from Australia and all around the world, come out and celebrate ‘Rum Rebellion Day’ with the Guangzhou Hash. And no worries, mate, we weren’t so stupid as to ask any Aussies to be the hares.

 

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

When:                    Saturday, January 26, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

What:                    The Aussie Day Hash

What else:              More than enough cold beer

What else else:        Breath-taking views over Guangzhou’s Outback

Who:                      Circle Jerk and Double-0

 

*Australia on the other hand had her first public holiday. Originally called the ‘Rum Rebellion Day’, it has been renamed to ‘Australia Day’ in recent centuries.

 

**Times are changing, and the poison of choice isn’t rum anymore.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash on Jan. 24 – The Kill The Dragon Hash

Hi all,

 

Postpone the holidays a little more, the Chinese New Year can wait! One day you will never forget will cum to you soon!

In  their commitment to get their first man on the moon in the year 2025, the Persians decided to set the first and only all Persian Full Moon Hash of 2013. Cum and see this great technological and moral achievement in action!

 

Where: Line 5, Liede station, Exit C

When: This Thursday – 19.30

Hares: French Tickler and mini-me Amir Ali

 

OnOn

GZH3FMH

Hashvertisement # 1195 – The Teutonic Hash 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

What does the wise mismanagement do when it finds out with a 48-hour-notice that the appointed hare prefers to amuse himself somewhere in the tropics rather than setting another Best Hash Ever here in beautiful Guangzhou? Well, we don’t know what this ominous wise mismanagement would do in such a case and we will probably never find out.

 

The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash however decided to give credit to recent rumors that Germans are natural born fixers, who successfully saved the world on previous occasions, and are currently up to do it once again. The mismanagement argues that it should be even easier for them to save the cuming Saturday by setting a breath-taking trail. Another, and much more  important consideration, was that Germans don’t have to to be politely asked, but can conveniently be commanded to do so.

 

When:                    Saturday, January 19, 2013 @ 1.30

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

Who:                      All-German Boys

 

On On,

00

 

 

HASH 1194

NO FRILLS HASH

Yes fellow hashers, a hash with a solid 8.5km run/walk, a circle for everyone, a short trip back to Guangzhou for a meal at our favourite restaurant in Taojin Lu and you will still have time to please the partner by being home early if you wish.

WHERE – Mango Bar

WHEN – 1.30pm Saturday 12.1.13

HARES – Globetwatter & Sir Cum

DINNER – In Town

COST – 50RMB

Hashvertisement #1193 – The El Dorado Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The race for the Best Hash of the Year 2013 is officially On On! The hares of Saturday’s hash announced that they are going to raise the bar sky-high for all following contestants by simply setting a mind-blowing virgin trail, also (humbly) called ‘the Best Hash of the Year 2013 in decades’. And if that weren’t already good enough they also promised to add the most pristine beer stop any Guangzhou Hasher has ever come across. Whether the dinner will be at the run-site or back in town hasn’t been decided yet.

“We will see on Friday when we finally go out to find the legendary ‘El Dorado of Hashing’ that generations of Guangzhou Hashers have been speculating about” said one of the hares. “Maybe they have a nice restaurant around there, too.”

The crowd at the Mango Bar – still inebriated from the New Year’s Eve Party – cheered to the hares upon this announcement, except for one crotchety hasher who for obvious reason hadn’t received an invitation to any party.

“Hashers this is, complete bullshit. How can they, be so sure about the trail and the, beer stop when they haven’t even, got a clue where the run is going to, be!” he challenged the hares.

But who gives a flying fuck about what one grumpy and seriously punctuation-challenged hasher has to say, and so the evening went on happily and peacefully, and upon the latter Tony finally displayed his best Louis Armstrong smile.

 

On a different note: What will change for the Guangzhou Hash in 2013? Well, nothing really. We will carry on to be the best Hash in Greater China. We’ll also continue to defy inflation and keep the run fee at a mere 50 RMB.

 

Where:                             Gold Mango Bar

When:                              Saturday, January 5, 2013 @ 1.30 PM

Who:                                Furry Thing and 00

What:                               The El Dorado Hash

 

On On,

00

Hashvertisement # 1192 – The Last Best Hash

Hi All,

 

Don’t miss the last best hash of this year! Get your body moving again and try to sober up before your New Years Eve party!

 

Hares: Hunkaspunk and LaZeZi

Where: Gold Mango

When: Saturday, December 29th, 2012 at 13.30

Dinner: Far, Far away (but with bus stop close)

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash on Boxing Day

What: Full Moon Hash
When: 7:30 pm December 26, 2012
Where: Sun Yat-sen University stop, Line 8, exit B
Who: 00Dirk and Furry Thing

After the long nights of Christmas celebrations everyone needs a nice run to relax. What better time than Boxing Day to enjoy a beautiful run through the lovely streets of Guangzhou? In fact, there is none. This week’s full moon hash is guaranteed to be one of the top five hashes of the week. To wrap up the evening we will enjoy a delicious dinner in a classy establishment, washed down with plenty of cold beer.

Come one, come all and close out another wonderful year of Full Moon Hashing with a bang.

On On,
Furry and 00

 

Hashvertisement #1190 & 1191 – The Hot Springs Hash in Xitou, Conghua

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The weekend away Hash to the Hot Springs of Conghua is fully booked. If you have registered and hopefully paid up, please show up at the Gold Mango Bar at 10 AM on Saturday, December 22. Don’t be late!

 

On top of all the goodies that we are offering you, we will also throw in a breakfast on Sunday morning. YEAH!!!! However, bring your own lunch for the bus ride on Saturday. We won’t stop for food and only have arranged a dinner in the evening. Make some friends and bring a bit more food to share it with the others.

 

We might receive some cancellations, so if you haven’t registered but still want to join, please inquire by sending a mail to gzhash@gmail.com or just try your luck and show up Saturday morning. There have been no shows on such early Saturday mornings before.

 

When:          Saturday, December 22, 2012 @ 10 AM until Sunday afternoon / early evening

Where:          Gold Mango Bar

What:           Overnight Hash to Conghua Hot Springs

Hares:           Globetwatter, Thumbleprints, Sir Cum, Gorf, 00

 

On On,

00

 

PS: No refund will be granted in case the world ceases to exist tomorrow!!!

 

Hashvertisement #1189 – The Warm-up Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Is there anything out there that is tastier than traditional German delicacies flushed down with finest German tap beer?

Believe it or not, there is one thing that’s even better than that. And that is exactly the same German food and beer, but after a great hash. In order to make the Christmas dinner the most orgasmic food sensation of all times, the mismanagement is proud to have won two of the most skillful hares in the history of hashing in Guangzhou, to set nothing less but the perfect run. This means the following minimum criteria have to be fulfilled:

 

• Great mountain trails with breath-taking views, totally off the beaten track
• Within than 20 minutes from the Gold Mango Bar by hash bus
• Idiot-proof markings, also known as ‘Full Moon markings’ so that virtually everyone with an IQ of 65+ will make it back to the bins this time
• Blue sky, 20 degrees Celsius
• Hilarious circle with all boring down downs being skipped due to the pressing lack of time

 

The pressing lack of time? Yes, you read right: We are going to shorten the circle (but not so much the run) to make sure that each one of you has the chance to get home, get showered and get dressed properly for the

 

Annual Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Party

 

at the Wunderbar. You can still get your ticket for the whole package for a mere 200 RMB when you show up at the Gold Mango Bar at 1.30.

 

The party starts at 7.30 and the buffet will be open from then until 9.30. Our German beer and South African wine are free until we are being thrown out by either the bar manager or a vicious GZH3 mismanger.

 

When:                    Saturday, December 15, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                   Gold Mango Bar

What:                     The Warm-up Hash

Who:                      Globetwatter and Sir Cum

How much:            50 RMB as always

 

And then:              On to the Wunderbar @ 7.30 PM

Where:                   Tianhe Bei Lu 175 – 181

What:                     Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Party

How much:            200 RMB

 

Hot reminder:       Bring another 300 RMB and sign up for the Conghua Away Hash on December 22/23. It’s worth every fen of it!!!

 

On On,

00

PS: The Thursday running group meets at the Hooley’s Bar in Zhujiang New Town tonight @ 7 PM

 

Hashvertisement #1188 – The Chosen Ones’ Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The Hash a week before the Annual Hash Awards Ceremony is traditionally a highly prestigious one. After all, this is the last chance for any ambitious hare to get nominated for the ‘BEST HASH OF THE YEAR’ award. Unfortunately, prior to last night’s Hash Press Conference the news had already leaked out that the hare razor had received heaps of applications from hashers from all over Greater Guangzhou who all had promised to set an epic run.

Hence, last night the excitement climaxed when the hare razor climbed on top of his bar stool to reveal who’d get the honors. In an instant he achieved what for the GM is more often than not plainly impossible: He made the pack shut up and listen. In fact, it was so quiet that he probably even heard the mumbled intercessions of the contestants. ‘In your infinite wisdom you’ve got to choose me’, or‘work your mysterious ways and select me’, or the hissed ‘if you don’t pick me I will decapitate a cute Christmas bunny*’.

As expected, the hare razor remained unimpressed by all this. Calmly he explained to his intent listeners, ‘After conducting all the necessary personal interviews with the applicants, their parents, siblings, current and former employers and colleagues, long forgotten classmates and ex-spouses, and after carrying out all the obligatory fitness and fertility tests for hares, required according to paragraphs 69f and 283k of “Stray Dog’s Guidelines for the Zealous Hasher, volume XXVIII”, it is with greatest pleasure to announce the names of next Saturday’s hares. Give a big hand to the Chosen Ones, Yan Can Suck and French Tickler. Hooray!’

For a moment, while still trying to make sense of what they had just heard, no one said a word and only a very careful listener would have noticed how Tony was taking a deep breath. Would his bar resemble Paris in 1789 or maybe even Tehran in 1978 in just a few minutes from now? But when the crowd started to cheer and some ecstatic hashers attempted to carry the appointed hares on their shoulders he finally breathed out and his face showed relief. The Gold Mango Bar was safe from wreckage for another week. Everyone was happy about the decision except for one disappointed contestant. This misfit angrily claimed that it was sheer madness to assign such a vital task to Marie Antoinette’s and Reza Pahlavi’s revenants, have you not learnt anything from history? Fortunately, the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department was standing not far away and quickly took care of this incident by sedating him heavily.

 

The mismanagement cannot promise that this French-Iranian endeavor will succeed in getting nominated for the Hash Awards. After all we aren’t the Oscars. Our winners win because they truly deserve to** and not because it is politically correct to let them!

What we do promise however, is that if you show up this Saturday @ 1.30 at the Mango Bar you will still be able to purchase your own ticket to the Annual Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Party on December 15^th. You find all the important details about this event in the PS at the end of this mail.

 

* no animals were killed and no cruelty was done to any animal during or after the Hash Press Conference or during or after the making of this hashvertisement.

** if you are sincerely interested in winning an award place your bid until Wednesday next week by simply replying to this mail. We’ll send you instructions on where to put the envelope. Highest bribe wins!!! Don’t tell anyone.

 

When:                              Saturday, December 8, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                             Gold Mango Bar

What:                               The Chosen Ones’ Hash

Who:                                Yan Can Suck, French Tickler

 

On On,
00

 

PS: Tickets for the Christmas Party and Hash Awards Ceremony cost 200 RMB.

PPS: Tickets for the Conghua Away Hash on December 22/23 are still available, but the demand is huge and seats are limited. Bring 300 RMB on Saturday to secure yours on the bus.

PPPS: And last but not least: Wooly Bush and Pixie Slut’s Thursday running group meets tonight at Hooley’s in Zhujiang New Town @ 7 PM. Great trails.

And a warm advice from Ms. Mi Tuhai:

Hashvertisement – Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Party 2012 on December 15 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Remember the time about a year ago when for a few months no one spoke about anything else but what had happened during the Hash Awards? Legends were born that night, and there are still hashers who would happily give their right arm only to be able to rightfully claim that they had joined the party. Well, we cannot travel back in time and bring them there, and – frankly – we don’t really know what to do with all the right arms. What we can offer instead though is another night of majestic fun at this year’s

 

Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Party

 

The mismanagement has undertaken a thorough research into Guangzhou’s bar scene in order to find the perfect venue for this extremely prestigious event. And we succeeded!

 

The Food: A delicious German buffet that will truly satisfy your exquisite taste nerves

The Beer: The finest German draft beer, all night long

The Wine: Undergone multiple extensive and excessive trials and found to be hashproof. From South Africa

The Venue: Evenly hashproof is the Wunderbar on Tianhe Bei Lu. Cozy atmosphere. Re-arranged to suit our refined purposes.

The Band: Fancy live music to make hashers of all ages dance the night away.

The Awards Ceremony: Scintillatingly witty. Please respect the ceremonial character of the occasion and dress formal, if you have any idea what that means!!!

The Price: Just 200 RMB

The Date and Time: December 15, 2012 @ 7.30 PM. Hash augurs claim that on this day the moon and the stars are in a perfect constellation. Perfect for what? Well, cum and find out.

 

Please let us know if you want to cum. Pay to Hash Cash on Saturdays.

 

On On,

00

 

PS: If you want to join the Conghua Away Hash, bring another 300 RMB

Hashvertisement #1187 – The Pinky and the Brain Hash

Maybe he is ezi 2 lei, but he’s not that easy to manipulate!!! Otherwise how come I find myself doing the hard work of writing the hashvertisement for the last two days, while all he had to do was to scout a trail…

 

Hashvertisement for Full Moon Hash on Nov., 27, 2012 

 

Hashvertisements for two major Hash events in December

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

You know the old saying: If something seems too good to be true, it’s probably because it is an event organized by the Guangzhou Hash. In December, we can verify this universal truth not just once, but twice.

 

December 15^th, 2012 is the Annual Hash Awards Ceremony and Christmas Bash. As in last year, The Wunderbar on Tianhe Bei Lu will host this not-to-be-missed event.

 

And this is what you can expect:

-      A German style buffet

-      Imported and amazingly fresh German Beer

-      Fine wines from South Africa

-      A mind-expanding Hash Awards ceremony

-      Live music from 10 till late

-      A great opportunity to dress formal

 

When:                    December 15, 2012 @ 7.30 PM

Where:                   Wunderbar, 175-181 G/F Xianglong Garden, Tianhe Bei Lu

How much:             Just 200 RMB.

Pay to Hash Cash on Saturdays to secure your ticket.

 

But the Christmas frenzy doesn’t just stop there. Only a week after the Christmas Party the Guangzhou Hash is going on an all-weekend Christmas Hash. Once again, we will explore the bamboo forests and mandarin orchards of Conghua. It’s late December and too cold, you say? Don’t worry, we will stay at a hot spring hotel where you can warm up from inside.

And this is what you get for a mere 300 RMB:

-      Two breath-taking runs, a long one on Saturday, and a hangover run on Sunday

-      A fun bus ride on the Hash bus, all toll fees included

-      A Hash T-shirt designed by the best Hash shirt designer in Greater China

-      One night at a shared standard double bed room at the hot spring hotel. If you want to upgrade to a room with private hot spring pool, or like to kick out your roommate, let us know! We’ll try to make arrangements

-      Hash dinner on Saturday, Hash lunch on Sunday

-      Beer and softies throughout the weekend

-      A useful gift from the Hash Santa

Sounds too good to be true? Well, it is the Guangzhou Hash after all.

Meet:                     December 22, 2012 @ 10 AM, Gold Mango Bar

Return:                   December 23, 2012 in the late afternoon

Hares:                    Globetwatter, Sir Cum, Gorf, 00

What:                     No lunch provided on the Saturday bus. Bring some and share it.

Pay only 300 RMB to Hash Cash on any given Saturday.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1186 – The Thanksgiving Hash

Pre-announcement Christmas Bash and Christmas Away Hash 2012 (December 15 and 22/23)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash is thrilled to announce two great hash events in December.

 

The first one is the GZH3 Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony. We are currently talking to three possible hosts for the event, but we will make a decision soon.

The date however is already fixed. It will be on Saturday, December 15^th. As always the hares make sure that the run is in Baiyun Mountain Park. Both, trail and circle will be shortened so that hashers still have the time to go back home to put on their best dresses.

 

The second event is the Christmas Away Hash. On Saturday, December 22^nd and on Sunday, December 23^rd, the Guangzhou Hash will go to explore the bamboo forests and mandarin orchards of Conghua. We will stay at the hot spring hotel where we can warm up (and party) in case the weather isn’t as pretty as the meteorologist (aka ‘the Religious Advisor’) predicts. As always we’ll have a Saturday run and a hangover run on Sunday. The hares promise spectacular trails.

 

We weren’t able to calculate the final prices for the events yet, but will do so shortly. Until then,

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1185 – The Marathon-Prep Hash and Warm-up Party

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

When:                    Saturday, Nov. 17^th, 2012 @ 1.30

Where:                   The new improved Gold Mango Bar

Who:                      Wee Willy and GPS

What:                     Guangzhou Marathon Prep Hash

 

Tony has finally fixed all the damages that the angry hash mob had caused during that infamous Hash press conference two months ago. He’s done a great job. The place looks so cool and fancy that none of the usual ranters was able to stir up a mutiny during last night’s long expected Hash press conference. Not even that passionate young man who in fact had a good point with his complaint.

“Why weren’t we informed about the Guangzhou Marathon next Sunday? Now none of us is fit enough to participate” he accused the mismanagement.

 

I admit the mismanagement didn’t advertise the event to the hashers, but we do have a perfectly fine excuse: It totally slipped our attention. But, hey Marathoners, this is not the end of the world. In order to make things right for you the Guangzhou Hash has asked two of the most experienced hares to set a Marathon-Prep Hash. Wee Willy and GPS will make sure that you get all the preparation you need to run Sunday’s Marathon faster than you ever ran a Marathon before. Wee Willy was overheard mumbling something such as ‘very challenging, very long’, but others claim that he used the terms ‘very chickenish’ and ‘very low’ instead. Who could tell? If the trail won’t bring you up to the required fitness level, our Religious Advisor will make sure that you’ll have reached it by the end of the circle.

 

If you are not a Marathoner and worried that Wee Willy’s run might be a bit too challenging, you can instead put all your faith into GPS’s fine haring skills. He has promised to set a mind-blowing walker’s trail for you.

 

Sounds good, doesn’t it? At least did this sound good to everyone late last night at the Gold Mango. Only the representative of the Health Department, the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai wasn’t entirely convinced.

“Wrong and insufficient preparation can cause serious health issues. So how are you going to prepare for the Marathon-Prep Hash” she demanded to know.
Well, Hashers, that’s an easy one:

It’s PARTYTIME. On Friday night the hash will pay respect to Tony for letting us use the Gold Mango Bar for so many years without ever asking for a single fen. And honestly, is there an easier way to do this than by partying? I doubt it. So cum y’all and get blown away by the truly wonderful job Tony did with the new improved Guangzhou Hash Bar. It’s a completely new drinking experience. But remember: No excessive rioting this time!

 

Where:                   The new improved Gold Mango Bar

When:                    Friday, Nov. 16^th, 2012, in the evening / at night

Who:                      The GZH3 and friends

What:                     The Marathon-Prep Prep-Party

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1184 – The Shekou Hash Crash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

When: Saturday, Nov. 10th, 2012 @ 11.30

Where: Gold Mango Bar

 

AS YOU KNOW, the Guangzhou Hash is going to crash the Shekou Hash this Saturday. The bus is currently fully booked, but the waiting list is short and we may have cancellations.

 

If you have already signed up for the tour and reconfirmed my mail from Tuesday, see you on Saturday.

 

If you have signed up but not reconfirmed yet, please do so within today. If I won’t get your reconfirmation until tomorrow morning when I get up, I will give your seat to someone else.

 

If you haven’t registered but still would like to go, reply to this mail with your telephone number. Should there be a seat for you I will call or sms you directly.

 

If you haven’t registered and also don’t want to go to Shekou, why not go out scouting on Saturday? We need hares for December. The GZH3 will organize no run in Guangzhou this weekend so that would be a great compensation for the missing run.

 

We will meet at 11.30 at the Gold Mango Bar. The GZH3 will NOT provide any lunch. Please organize it yourself. The price is, as usual, 50 RMB for the whole day, not including the dinner that the hosting Hash is organizing at a fine local Shekou restaurant (around 45 to 50 RMB is what the Shekou Hash estimates).

 

Don’t be late. The schedule is tight.

 

On On,

00

 

Preannouncement: Hashvertisement #1184 – The Shekou Hash Crash on November 10^th, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

It’s about time to let someone else do our job!

 

The Guangzhou Hash is crashing the Shekou Hash. In order to do so we are going to Shekou on November, 10^th, 2012. Hooray!!!

 

Secure your seat on the bus (yes, the number of hashers is limited to the number of seats on the bus) by replying to this mail. The bus is leaving a bit earlier, probably around 11.30 or 12.00. The Guangzhou Hash subsidies the additional expenses and keeps the run fee at 50 RMB per person. Well done, Guangzhou Hash.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1183 – The Really Scary Hash

Hi all,

Please join Lazezi and Hunkaspunk for the scariest hash of them all.
Forget about Pussy Party Halloween, this Saturday might end
differently then you would expect.

Yes, it’s time for the re-run of the most memorable hash ever!

See attached pick for what you might expect.

Where: The New Gold Mango bar
When: This Saturday, Nov.3, 13.30
Pool: close to point B
R-W split: Sadly, yes…
Dinner: In town and will feature LaZeZi
Gear: Warm clothes, torch, bed linen, nightcap, etc.

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash / Halloween Hash on Oct. 31st, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

After last year’s hugely successful Halloween Hash, the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash is again organizing a spooky run followed by a genuine Halloween bash which will make every Halloween party you have ever attended look like a Tupperware party.

 

The trail is designed as a tunnel of horror and supposed to scare the shit out of you. The dinner (aka ‘the last meal’) will be held in a one of a kind restaurant (aka ‘the haunted house’) whose chef (aka ‘the reaper’) serves food that’ll make you choke on it.

 

Please dress according to American Halloween traditions.

 

When:                    Wednesday, October 31^st, 2012 @ 7.30 PM

Where:                   Changshou Station (Line 1), Exit A

Who:                      Gorf and 00

What:                     The Halloween Full Moon Hash

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1182 - The cats away hash

Yes hashers all the big cats are away this weekend so all the mice should come out to play!

You don’t need to go all the way to Guiyang for the best hash of the weekend – it will be right here in GZ and this time there will be a swim!

Where -  Mango Bar 

When – 1.30pm Saturday 27.10.12

Why – Because you deseve the best!

Cost – 50rmb

Dinner – Close to run site (If you want to be home early – 2rmb bus ride from site) 

Hares – Beautiful  + old 

 

Hashvertisement #1181 – The Bunga Bunga Swimming Pool Party Hash

Ladies & Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

You don’t need to be a part of Sleazio Berlusfony inner circle to enjoy a superb Bunga Bunga swimming pool experience. Just cum hashing this Saturday where, after finishing an epic “Best Ever” run, a cool swimming pool(this time WITH water), will await you at Point B.

–INSTANT UPDATE–According to latest information the swimming pool is indeed filled up with water but also with fish for the restaurant…. Hares now urgently looking into organizing a Bunga Bunga dinner party……

 

Further details:

 

Hares: Hunkaspunk & Constipation

 

Where: meet at Mango Bar at 1:30PM

 

The run: category Best Ever, choice of Runners or Walkers trail

 

Beverages: unlimited, ice cold, largely consisting of beer, imbibing from 2PM on

 

Dinner: at run site

 

ONON,

Constipation

 

Hashvertisement #1180 – The Unobstrusive Hash

Hashvertisement #1179 – The Readme-gate Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Readme Magazine is an English-language lifestyle magazine in Guangzhou that usually brings stories on innocuous topics. So it came as a bit of a surprise to me that this magazine just made a tentative move to establish itself as the vanguard of investigative journalism in China. According to Wikipedia, this form of journalism “investigates deeply into a single topic of interest, such as crime, political corruption, corporate wrongdoing” – and as of now also into hashing.

 

Lionel, chief editor of Readme Magazine, must have concluded that to target an informal group such as the Guangzhou Hash would probably be the safest way to make himself a name as an aspiring investigative journalist in China. However, there is a difference between investigative and insinuating journalism. Firstly, investigative journalists have the habit of informing their targets before the publication, in order to give them the opportunity to comment. By doing so, the smart investigative journalist might even be able to make last minute corrections to his article before going into print. That leads me to the second, far more important point.

 

The investigative journalist checks the facts. If Lionel would have done so he probably would have realized that the Hash’s international slogan is “The drinking club with the running problem”, and not “A club with a drinking problem”. One does not have to be an English teacher to understand why these two slogans carry very different connotations. The so-called ‘eye-popping’ slogan invented by Lionel is pushing us into the corner of the Not-quite-there-yet Alcoholics Anonymous. Nothing in this punch-line-free slogan, or for that matter in the whole article, tells the unbiased reader that we are in fact a running club. However, both of Lionel’s sources, Wikipedia and the GZH3 homepage, actually mention the correct slogan somewhere.

 

Needless to say that last night the tensions were even higher than during any other overheated Hash press conference. How fortunate that the Gold Mango had been wrecked during a previous Hash press conference already. Especially the Grand Master (that’s what GM stands for, not General Manager) got under fire for the Readme-gate affair.

 

‘How could you possibly tell him that you are single-handedly organizing the Hash, oh humblest GM?’ someone inquired sarcastically.  

‘I swear, I never told him that, and I also had no idea he was going to publish an article on us. In fact I explicitly asked him not to and he agreed,’ was my weak defense. ‘However, if he’d contacted me, and if he’d then still insisted on publishing the article, I’d have even helped him to get the facts straight. I promise, I would have told him that we have a very active mismanagement team and many other committed hashers who make the hash happen week after week to make sure that even an ordinary undercover reporter gets the best out of his 50 kuai.’

The mob responded as expected by chanting ‘Sounds like, sounds like…’ At least they weren’t getting physical.

 

That was seemingly about to change when one hasher, who considers himself a super smart one, rose to speak.

‘So what about the pictures then? Explain yourself!’

‘What pictures?’

‘The two pictures next to the article. One shows you speaking to the ecstatic masses and the other shows an exhausted, naked, humiliated and malnourished Dutchie forced to drink an obscure yellow liquid from a piss pot.’

‘We have malnourished Dutchies on the Hash?’  I asked lamely, but the super smart hasher ignored me.

‘Admit it,’ he went on, drilling his index finger like a lance into my chest. ‘You are trying to establish a leader cult on the Guangzhou Hash. It’s inevitable considering your German heritage.’

It took me five minutes to make myself heard in the shit storm which came over me right after the super smart hasher’s accusation. People were truly outraged.

‘Let me prove that I got nothing to do with it. Just read the article carefully,’ I begged the lynch mob to suspend the execution. ‘Have you noticed that the author claims that on the Hash I am only known under the name of “On On”? If I were about to start a new Fuhrer cult, wouldn’t I at least make sure that the people get my name right? I am pretty sure that Hitler would not have made it into the history books if he’d been known to the German people as “Adolf Best Regards”. 

 

Surprisingly, this convinced the masses and eventually turned their anger towards the author, who was not present.

‘Punish him! Let’s get a certain Dutchie to hug him right after finishing an exposed and steep runner’s trail on a sunny, hot, and steamy day! Or let’s wait with that until after the dinner when the sweat is not all that fresh anymore! Make him take out a certain harriette for a romantic candle light dinner! Make him listen to a Frenchie telling jokes! Make him read every single word in his magazine from front to back! Continue with the previous issue! Complain to his advertising partners! Tar and feather him.’

 

The rant went on and on, and so does this hashvertisement, so I’ll just cut it off right here and spare you the rest of the suggested retaliations. Finally a wise hasher, who wants to remain anonymous, called for reasoning.

‘Folks, violence and hatred aren’t the right answers for a semi-civilized group as ours. In fact, violence will get you kicked out from the Hash immediately, and hatred has the same effect on the Hash spirit like a terrible disease that eats up the body from within. So please keep both away from the Hash. We just want to have a good time. So, let’s see whether Lionel is courageous enough to show up on the Hash this Saturday. We promise we won’t bite. Are we clear on that?’  

The wise hasher paused and tried to look every single hasher into the eye. Many of those however didn’t look back because they were staring at the ground or into the air, or turning their backs as if there was someone cute standing behind them. Some were even whistling a mellow tune to pretend innocence. Finally, the wise hasher went on.

‘However, his buttocks are clearly begging to sit on a neat block of ice. Lionel is still on the hash mailing list, isn’t he?’

‘Yes, he still is,’ confirmed the Webwanker.

‘Well then we’ll see on Saturday. In the meantime: “Free Beer For All The Hashers…”’

 

And with that he ordered a round of beer, and the decision on how to respond to the unsanctioned article was happily delayed until Saturday.

 

To be continued….

 

When:                             Saturday, October 6, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                           Gold Mango Bar

Who:                               Mark and 00

What:                             The Readme-gate Hash

 

On On,

00

 

PS: Yesterday I asked Lionel that I was planning to send out this hashvertisement and whether he’d like to comment. This is his reply:

Hey on on, it’s all in the lighter side. Nothing is to be taken seriously – all in the spirit of fun! I am not in GZ at the moment. I would love to come!  Say hi to everyone!  

 

Have fun and cheers, 

L

 

The block of ice that has LIONEL all written over it has to stay in the lockers for a bit longer.

 

Hashvertisement #1178 – The Missing Hares Run

F*** your holidays and travel plans!

 

Come to Hash to see if the hares have done the same or if they are already on the way to some tropical island.

 

Either way it makes no difference as they haven’t checked the trail, have no time to do it and don’t really care. So if they do show up they will be probably suffering from massive hangover, run off to unknown direction and get caught after 5 minutes. The easiest and the shortest run EVER!

 

1 shot of vodka to all of those who guess who are the 2 missing hares before Saturday noon (send an email to our GM with your thoughts).

 

See you on Saturday…. MAYBE!

 

Gold Mango Bar, Saturday, Sept. 29, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

 

Full Moon Hash on September 28th

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

As always, the hares promise a hilarious run followed by an epic dinner.

 

When:                            Friday, September 28, 2012 @ 7.30 PM

Where:                           Yuancun Station (Line 5), Exit B

Who:                              Gorf and 00

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1177 – The Best B Bool Bash! Hash

Hi everyone,

Ever dreamed of seeing Constipation or Hunkaspunk semi-naked? Every wondered what happened to our glorious hash traditions involving pool party’s and lots of tiny bikini’s? Ever wanted to learn what happens if some of the most experienced hares stumble upon the greatest B-spot ever in virgin territory halfway into the run?

Found out now and see with your own eyes:

“Mango Bar ” Saturday, Sept. 22, 2012 at 13.30.
Take swimming gear, but we won’t tell you what we are going to do.
Dinner on site
35 rmb by taxi to closest subway stop

 

Hashvertisement #1176 – The Steuben Parade Hash 

 

What: German-American Steuben Parade Hash

When: September 15, 2012 at 1.30 PM

Who: Bastian and Mark

Where: Gold Mango, China

 

This week’s Hash falls on the third Saturday of September, which is, as you must know, the day of the 55th Annual German-American Steuben Parade in cities across America – the most famous instance of which was captured in the film “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, where viewers were delighted by Matthew Broderick’s rendition of Danke Schoen. The parade is named after the Prussian-born General who helped train the young American soldiers serving under George Washington, therefore this parade is essentially a time for Germans and Americans to join together with anyone else who wants to send a big “Fuck you!” to the British. Let’s bring that sense of community and brotherhood on the hash!

 

Additional information regarding the hash:

-There is a swimming point somewhere between A and B that can be used recreationally by any of the hounds, and it is also the suggested alternative method to reach the next point of the Runners’ trail.

-There may be sharks, spiders and snakes throughout the hash.

-Dinner has been arranged on-site.

 

On-On,

Bastian and Mark

 

Hashvertisement #1175 – The Literate Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

September, the 8^th. When this date is mentioned the International Literacy Day without fail springs to mind. On this date, when I was a child, my dad would summon the whole family, and together we would commemorate the illiterate half of our family. My mum would always bake a yummy cake topped with self-picked apples to mark the occasion. I’m certain many of you have similarly fond feelings of this special day, and therefore the mismanagement declares Saturday’s run the ‘Literate Hash’.

 

If you don’t have such fond memories of that day, because instead of spoiling you with cake your parents would force you to learn to read and write, you can still cum to the Hash. Maybe you have grandparents in the US or in Canada, or maybe even in Estonia? It’s their special day, too, and for them we can call the upcuming Hash the Alternative National Grandparents’ Run. If your grandparents are literate you can even send them your best wishes by an embarrassing email from someone’s smart phone, and assure them how hard you are celebrating their special day. However this is just an alternative motto. The main reason for Saturday’s run is the celebration of the International Literacy Day, and the education of the under-privileged members of the GZH3.

 

‘Education?’ you probably call out in disbelief when you are deciphering this.

Rest assured we do this for a good purpose. Shockingly enough, we ourselves have a lot of hashers on the GZH3 who can barely decipher the beer price list at the Gold Mango Bar. This revelation called for immediate action, and the mismanagement formed a think tank (with a literacy rate above 60%) to cum up with some ideas how to encourage people to read stuff other than the just mentioned list, and to emphasize the increasing importance of basic reading and writing skills in the modern society.

 

From the Internet the think tank learnt that people usually have to be forced to do what is good for them. Therefore, the think tankers decided to cancel the weekly Hash press conference at the Mango Bar late last night. During what was not a Hash press conference, but still took place at the Mango late last night, Floppy announced, that no announcement would be made on any run details during the purely informal get-together.

‘If you want to know time and place then you better read the godsdam hashvertisement,’ he advised an overwhelmingly illiterate crowd.

 

And so, without further ado, I reveal everything you need to know for Saturday. If you can’t read it, go back to school.

 

When:                  Saturday, September 8^th, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                 Gold Mango Bar

What:                   The Literate Hash

Who:                     Floppy Disk, plus one or two

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1174 – The Authentic Hash

This weekend a trial from milleniums ago has been uncovered and hashers will tread the paths of past great GZH3 Hashers.

Yes folks, a path originally forged by 2 of the greats, Platterpuss and Soggy Biscuit  has been reinvented and will be revisited. Dehydrated faeces and fossilised urine have been found on the course to authenticate the fact.

Be there as 2 of our modern day hashers will take you down one of the great trails of GZH3 history.

C U all at Mango 1.30pm Saturday, September 1st, 2012

 

ANOTHER FULL MOON HASH CUMING UP!!!! August 31st, 2012

 

This must be your LUCKY MONTH as the Full Moon Mismanagement proudly announces the SECOND FULL MOON HASH in August:

 

                       THE LAST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS FULL MOON HASH

 

Hares: Hunkaspunk & Constipation

 

When: This Friday August 31st, at 7:30 PM

 

Where: meet at Haizhu Square Station exit A (Line 2)

 

Dinner: at an open air 24hrs restaurant with unfeasible COLD BEER so therefore potentially a LONG & HARD DINNER

 

Important remark: bring your metro card or some cash on the run as we have something SPECIAL in mind for you……….

 

See you all on Friday!!!

 

ONON!!!

 

Constipation

Hashvertisement #1173 – The Deprived Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The hare line is completely empty!

 

You can imagine the heated atmosphere at the Gold Mango last night. Once again, it was the mismanagement that had to take all the blame for breaking the bad news. Only good that Tony’s experienced team was sensible enough to keep the pitchers of ice cold Tiger beer rolling in, otherwise the place might not be our hash bar anymore.

 

Hashers, as much as I can understand your anger and frustration, but what is the mismanagement supposed to do about it? Nowadays, we are getting about 60 people every given Saturday, and it should be fair to assume that there are a few more hidden talents who are capable of setting a good trail. It’s everyone’s responsibility to make the Hash happen. And of course this doesn’t stop with the haring. We also need people (aka ‘the unsung heroes’) to help clean the buckets, vessels and cans before and after the run and so on. So don’t be shy and give a hand when you see that a hand is needed.

 

But back to last night. Extreme situations require extreme measures and when Tony gave us a warning that we were running low on beer and the temperature in the bar would reach boiling point soon, the mismanagement made a final dramatic attempt to save the interior of his bar.

 

‘If we must we are going to fly in hares,’ promised our fearless harerazor Constipation, and with this he could buy himself and Tony a tiny bit of much needed time.

 

He certainly made good use of it. Right there at the Mango Bar, he was forced to call two truly experienced hashers. To cut a long story short: He managed to charm these two into being our hares on Saturday. As you are reading this mail, they are on the way from Amsterdam-Shithole Airport to Guangzhou on the fastest plane they could get hold of, to set what they claim to be ‘the Best Hash Ever’. I can assure you, these two are on fire and ready to go above and beyond their limits, because they have been deprived from the Hash for months, or maybe even for weeks! So don’t miss the fun.

 

What:                   The Deprived Hash

When:                  Saturday, August 25, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                 Gold Mango Bar

Who:                    Globetwatter and Sir Cum

 

The Kiwis are back and they will be our celebrated heroes on Saturday. If you want to know how it feels to be a celebrity, sign up as a hare. We need hares starting with the run on September 1^st, and then on every Saturday thereafter. Contact Constipation or me.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1172 – The F$%king Hash

Who: Mark and Miley

What: The F$%king Hash

When: August 18, 2012

Where: Huolushan Forest Park

Why: The F$%king Hash

 

This week’s Hash is obviously going to be LONG and HARD because under the tutelage of my heroic American father-figures on the Hash, Floppy Disc and GPS, I’ve decided to hare my own trail. These icons of haring (and balding) have inspired many, and I plan to follow in their brave footsteps, so, like them, I have pre-set a trail that will be one you will not easily forget – hopefully neither will I between setting the trail and the actual Hash. It will be the best hash of the week! In a deviation from popular haring technique, I have avoided all farms and burial mounds. Additionally, I advise you to be prepared for some sun as a good portion of the trail will be exposed to the elements, allowing for wonderful views and sun blackness (晒黑).

 

I finally got my girlfriend to cum, and as my flour bitch and translator she has chosen excellent spots for refreshment and dining. I hope you can cum, too!

 

On-on,

Mark

 

On a different note: collection for Philippine flood victims on August 11th, 2012 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The terrible floods in the Philippines have left many people displaced. A lot of victims could only save their lives, but have lost everything else. The Guangzhou Hash helps. Tomorrow before the run, we are collecting the following items:

 

Clothes, shoes, towels, sleeping bags, blankets, and tents

Please make sure the quality is good. Great, for example, are clothes that you bought but never wore, because you underestimated your size. Worn-out and dirty pieces will be sorted out, so don’t make it more difficult for the helpers by giving trash.

Bags and suitcases

These will also make it easier for us to hand over the items to the forwarder.

 

We will pass on the items on Sunday, and already by Monday the Philippine Red Cross will receive all of it and distribute it to victims of the flood.

 

If you want to donate money, please find a suitable organization on the Internet. We don’t accept money or food donations. We are also not going to take any more items after tomorrow, August 11^th, 2012.

 

If you don’t want to hash, but still give something, be at the Gold Mango Bar between 1.30 and 2 PM.

 

Thanks for taking the time to go through your wardrobe.

就在几天前，菲律宾遭遇了一场自然灾害，这场灾害令到许多人无家可归。虽然有些人幸存下来，但是他们已经失去了一切。The Gangzhou  Hash 想要帮助他们。明天在我们跑步之前，我们会收集以下的东西：

 

衣服，鞋子，毛巾，睡袋，床单被套，以及帐篷

请注意您捐献的东西是质量比较好的。举个例子，因为您身材变化的原因，您可以将您买了但是从来没穿过的衣服捐献出来。太旧的或是太脏的衣物就免了。

 

行李箱或者一些大袋子：

这些我们同时也可以用来装载我们捐献的东西。这个星期天我们会把这些物资捐献出去，国际红十字会在星期天将在星期天他们分给难民。

如果您想捐钱的话，请您自己去网上找一个合适的组织。我们不接受钱以及食物。明天以后，也就是2012年八月十一号。希望您能够及时捐赠，否则的话您将这次就不能够再献出您的爱心。

如果您并不想参加本次的Hash，您也可以将您的捐物在明天中午的一点半至两点之间拿过来芒果吧。

十分感谢您抽出您宝贵的时间来检查检查您的衣柜。

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1171 – The Smart Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

I admit, I had expected some strong reactions to last week’s hashvertisement, but I was surprised by the extent of blame I had to take during last night’s highly emotional Hash press conference at an amazingly fancy restaurant with an unpronounceable Chinese name.

 

‘A slap in the face of good hashers’ was probably the kindest accusation against me, while most other accusations were such obscene that I am not willing to repeat them. Even the usually very charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department warned me in a sharp voice that ‘such kind of “trashvertisements” will cause severe seizures of inferiority complexes in innocent hashers’.

 

At one point even the otherwise moderate Thumbleprints chimed in.

‘It is an abomination’ she said ‘how the GM treats people who’d give their heart blood for the Guangzhou Hash. I herewith demand that the names of the hares ought to be mentioned in EACH and EVERY hashvertisement!’

 

Thumbleprints is of course right. My last “trashvertisement” was lousy! Not because of what I wrote, but because of what I didn’t, and I herewith wholeheartedly apologize to the hares of last week’s run, Fingerlicker and Bastian, and to Thumbleprints (trail consultant). I hope the three do accept my apology, and not pour out any more of that filth over me. In order to soothe them further, I’d like to repeat Thumbleprints’ moving speech. (Not in full though, but only the part that followed the fulmination against me.)

 

‘Although no one knew who the hares were, she said in a loud and trembling voice that literally sent shivers down my spine, ‘62 people showed up at the Mango Bar. It was a long and very tough run, but no hasher got lost. 61 out of the 62 enjoyed every single meter of the trail, and also Hunkaspunk changed his mind about the run after a dozen beers, when he finally got back to funny. The exhausting run had made everyone so hungry that no one skipped the dinner. According to hash statistics, this has NEVER happened before in the history of the Guangzhou Hash. The bus got back at 10 PM, and in true hash spirit most people stayed on at the Mango for a few more beers. One would have expected people to go back home after that, but in fact the hashers split up into two groups, one heading for the Cave Bar and the other for a local KTV parlor. I want to compliment the hares (Fingerlicker and Bastian, the ed.) for organizing such a great day out that indeed ended very happily.’

 

Bastian, anyway still being pleased by a personal memory of a recent HAPPY ENDING, thanked Thumbleprints, and said with tears of joy in his eyes:

‘After I had read the hashvertisement I had sworn that I would never hare again, but your encouraging words have made me change my mind. In fact, Christoph and I have already scouted a trail for cuming Saturday which will not only be as stunning as last Saturday’s trail, but also much longer. The walker’s trail, for instance will take three and a half hours!’

 

It’s always amazing to see how the mood of a bunch of drunken GZ Hashers can go from hilarious to abusive in the blink of an eye. All GM’s and ex-GM’s of the Guangzhou Hash are familiar with this phenomenon, and fear it for good reason, but for poor Bastian this was the first time to experience it. It took more than ten extremely embarrassing minutes* until he was able to make himself heard again, when he wisely promised that he would ‘skip the very good half of the trail, and only use the extremely good other half of it. And as a special treat, we will arrange for a cool water hole at the B-point, so don’t forget to bring your swim gear.’

 

That was very smart of him to promise, and I see absolutely no reason why the run shouldn’t be remembered as the “Smartest Hash Ever”.

 

When:                                       Saturday, August 11, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                                      Gold Mango Bar

IMPORTANT:                            bring your SWIM GEAR

Not to be forgotten:                   The hares Bastian and Christoph

 

On On,

00

 

*embarrassing mainly for him, although ALL of the abusive hashers have been reported getting embarrassed after they had sobered up, except for the male hashers and nearly all of the female hashers.

 

Hashvertisement for the Lucky Date Full Moon Hash, Aug. 8, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,八八好意頭  帶你廣州游

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Picture this: You have invited someone over to your house where you wine and dine him. At the end of the evening your guest goes to your kitchen, takes a few beers out of the fridge and puts them into his bag, without asking or telling you.

 

What would you do? I suppose the least you’d do is not to invite him again, right?

 

The Guangzhou Hash will not ask such kind of guys not to come anymore. At the end of the day, it’s not such a huge deal. But of course, honest hashers cannot simply ignore such behavior, because these people suck the horse’s penis and they ought to get publicly pissed on. Unfortunately, since we don’t have a male horse, and our mostly decent hashers prefer to do their business in the confinement of a bathroom, these are not viable options.

 

I don’t know who the guys were who took beers back home after last Saturday’s Hash, and I also don’t want to know. I give them the benefit of a doubt this time. But, guys, if you were one of them, get prepared to sit on the ice should you ever get caught again, while the other hashers will get encouraged to pour beer over your head. You won’t get named at the end of the circle, when you are finally allowed to rise from the ice. Instead, we will tell everyone why you sat on the ice.

 

Don’t be anti-social! Remember: Your 50 RMB is not worth more than the other hashers’ 50 RMB. If you don’t believe me, check your second grade math book.

 

This part was added belatedly:

When                     Saturday, August 4, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where                    Gold Mango Bar

Who                        Thumbleprints, Fingerlicker, Bastian

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1169 – The Dumb Bold and Dumber Blond Run

 

What happens when a dumb bold man takes an even dumber blond babe for a walk in the forest and decides to name it a Hash Run?

 

NOTHING GOOD, that’s what happens!

 

Most likely…

They will forget the trail they scouted and end up in pushes.

If they manage to find the trail they will forget to mark it.

If they remember to mark they will discover they have forgotten to buy flour.

If they have flour they cannot figure out how to use it.

If they figure out how to use it they will cover the first part of the trail in flour and finish all by the mid of it.

If they somehow manage to set the trail they will forget where the point B is so we all have to go back.

 

It will be a CATASTROPHE and we all WILL GET LOST but it will be FUN because we will have…

the sexiest hare ever (the bold one of course)

the ‘easiest’ hare ever (the blond one of course)

loads of alcohol

loads of surprises on the trail and after

music

amazing dinner spot

dumbest circle

 

Be there or miss the chance to laugh over our dumbness!

 

Saturday, July 28, 13.00 PM, Gold Mango Bar

 

Hashvertisement #1168 – The True Olympic Spirit Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Saturday 27 July is the start of the 2012 London Olympics but there is no need to travel to London to experience the thrill of victory as you compete against other hashers to be the first to make it back to the bus.

 

Do you have the spirit of an Olympian to be a front running bastard (FRB) and make it back to the bus to receive a medal or will you experience the agony of defeat as you follow false trail after false trail and get stuck behind the walkers or with our new most notorious BRB (that is the opposite of a FRB) Khash?

 

According to historical records, the first ancient Olympic Games can be traced back to 776 BC. They were dedicated to the Olympian gods and were staged on the ancient plains of Olympia. This Guangzhou Hash will be dedicated to the Beer Gods, Hunkaspunk and Constipation, and will be staged on the golden plains of Panyu.

 

Yes, Meatballs has finally fucked off but he still has one last mission to carry out for the GZ Hash and that is to travel to London to convince the International Olympic Committee to finally make Hashing an Olympic discipline.

 

Hashing leaves a lasting legacy.

 

Hashing has changed people’s life.

 

Hashing is a multidimensional sport.

 

And most importantly, it is Hashing that epitomizes the TRUE Olympic spirit. As Pierre de Coubertin, the father of the modern Olympic Games, put it so correctly: ‘The most important thing is not to win, but to take part.’

 

9 days until the start of the London Olympics

2 days until the start of the best hash of your life

 

Saturday 21 July 13:30 Mango Bar

 

Hashvertisement #1167 – The Bastille Storming Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

When:                   Bastille Day, Saturday, July 14^th, 2012, @ 1.30 PM

Where:                  Gold Mango Bar

What:                   No Cake

What else:             Meatballs giving his final religious advice

Who:                     Mark and 00

 

Saturday is the circa 200^th anniversary of the French Revolution. The Internet knows exactly what happened back then. Here is a fair summary of the events:

 

‘Cake, always cake, I can’t see it anymore! I want to eat bread!’ Robespierre was really upset about Marie Antoinette’s latest directive which ordered French citizens to eat cake instead of bread. His best buddy Danton couldn’t agree more. Unlike Robespierre, who disliked cake with kind of a religious zeal, Danton couldn’t get enough of it. But he had become fat and lazy from eating all that sweet junk, and both, his wife and his mistress, wouldn’t stop nagging about it. Robespierre and Danton were truly desperate, and something drastic had to be done.

 

‘Let’s storm the Bastille’, Danton suggested, not because it made any sense at all, but because the infamous prison was really nearby. Robespierre agreed, and they talked a few neighbors into joining them. The rest is history. They set the criminals free, beheaded the king and the queen, followed by the neighbors, and finally each other. The latter wasn’t an overly smart thing to do though, and ever since historians from all over the world (except for France) have more than once persuasively concluded that, if Americans and/or Germans had organized the French revolution, it would not have ended in such a mess, and France might even be a pleasant place to visit nowadays.

 

The mismanagement of the Guangzhou Hash has analyzed the fatal errors that were made back then and is even a little bit determined not to repeat them. In their shoreless wisdom they have therefore not ordered an All-French team to hare this Saturday, but rather an American-German one. ‘At least, this way the hashers won’t run around like headless chickens trying to find flour’, commented one realistic French observer when she heard the news.

 

However, it seems that every Hash has to have one or two misfits, and ours’ started to rumble when the above was publicly announced during yesterday’s Hash press conference. ‘Can you only come up with boring historical themes?’ was what these completely unhistorical subjects demanded to know.

 

No, we do not necessarily have to rewrite or reenact history Saturday after Saturday again. We can also come up with some more current bullshit. With our new crystal hash ball we are even able to look into the future; and the mismanagement would like to share with you one dirty secret that has been revealed recently. The Guangzhou Hash is facing a partial vegetarian future! After Saturday, we won’t get Meatballs anymore. Damn.

 

So be all there when it is finally time to sing ‘fuck off you o…p*, fuck off’ to him.

 

On On,

00

*you can of course also sing the good old ‘s..d’ instead

 

Hashvertisement #1166 – The Hollywood Hash 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

When:                   Saturday, July 7, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                  Gold Mango Bar

What:                    Hollywood Hash

Who:                     Constipation and Hunkaspunk

 

The holiday season has started. To the Guangzhou Hash this is not necessarily good news. Some of our most notorious hares are teachers who naturally get the fuck out of Guangzhou as soon as the class room bell has rung for the last time. Other hares have kids in school who now hang out at home 24-7, expecting to get entertained. How could the situation be more dreadful?

 

I suppose you can imagine the atmosphere during last night’s hash press conference at Willie Warmer’s cozy refuge. When someone from the mismanagement announced that the hash will be cancelled for the summer it nearly caused a mutiny. But when a smart-mouthed hasher mentioned that ‘you can’t manufacture a hare’, the rebellion instantly turned into devastation, and the silence that followed was truly pitiful. After a few quiet rounds of beer, the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai finally rose to speak, and what she said eventually saved the day.

 

‘Hashing does not only shape your body well, it also clears your mind and stabilizes your mental health. Do you have any idea what we hard working people at the Guangzhou Health Department will have to deal with if you take this away from all the addicted hashers for a whole two months? Will you be able to live with the knowledge that you have driven Hundreds into despair, madness and a probable suicide? Is really no one here man or woman enough to be the hare on Saturday?’

 

We were still trying to figure out whether we would have a problem to live with that kind of knowledge, when Guangzhou’s last boy-scout chimed in.

 

‘Yes,’ Constipation said wholeheartedly, ‘I am man enough to do it’, and pointing at his compatriot, he continued, ‘and Hunkaspunk as my flour bitch will certainly be woman enough to do this with me!’

 

When Hunkaspunk nodded before anyone had even translated this to him, the deal was done, everybody relieved and the Guangzhou Hash save for another week. The pack lifted the two hares on their shoulders, praised their ingenuity, and wished them to live for 10,000 years¹. Touched by this overwhelming display of affection Hunkaspunk promised that Saturday’s run will be even better than last week’s run. And although he didn’t mention whether he was referring to the first half of last week’s hash (the one without flour), or the second (the one that was then instantly set in virgin territory), the crowd went ballistic to such an extent that it took five strong hashers to stop Ms. Mi Tuhai from calling her colleagues at the emergency unit.

 

‘Wow’, are you probably saying right now, ‘what a happy ending. Just like in Hollywood.’²

 

Yes, for the time being you are right. But that should not lure us into the illusion that all is well. The future remains uncertain. The Hollywood movie ends with the wedding bells, but maybe that is just the prelude to a life of endless arguments³.

 

Face it. Constipation and Hunkaspunk have saved the Hash for one week only! Who will step up next? Will it be you?

 

If you want to be praised as a savior, go out and scout a great trail.

 

On On,

00

 

¹ disclaimer: only under the condition that they are going to set many more great trails

² or at the barber shop two blocks down the road

³ or the prelude to a life with an incurable venereal disease

 

Next Full Moon Hash: July 4, 2012 @ 7.30 PM

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

July 4 is the 236^th anniversary of the American Proclamation of Independence. To me and many people that I had a chance to speak to during recent months, it feels much longer though, more like precisely 250 years. Such a round number is also more beautiful and inspiring. For example did the mismanagement team of the Full Moon Hash come up with the grand idea of calling for the 250^th Full Moon Independence Day Hash.

 

This event will get as American as an event in China can get.

•       * The Date: July 4, American Independence Day
•       * The Trail: designed to suit American requirements, i.e. rules are simple, and very easy to   comprehend
•       * The Hare: a real American passport holder
•       * The other Hare: sort of working for sort of a real American company
•       * Food: a fine selection of traditional American delicacies. No, it’s not Pizza Hut!
•       * Food selection: by a real American passport holder
•       * Fireworks: The predominantly Dutch mismanagement team suggests that the German football fans bring all the fireworks which they won’t need tonight anymore. This really is great neighborly advice.

 

When:                   Wednesday, July 4, 2012 @ 7.30 PM

Where:                  Line 5, Tancun Station, Exit D

Who:                     Willie Warmer & 00

What:                    250^th American Independence Hash

 

On On,

00

Hashvertisement #1164 – The Second Annual Pantyless Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Where:                           Gold Mango Bar

When:                            Saturday, June 23, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Who:                              Globetwatter and Sir Cum

 

After the huge success of the First Annual Pantyless Run the mismanagement can no longer ignore the many calls for the

Second Annual Pantyless Run

 

This naturally raises some questions (Q), but it goes without saying that the mismanagement team has all the answers (A) you need to know:

 

Q: Has it really been a year since we celebrated the First Annual Pantyless Run of the Guangzhou Hash?

A: It seems shorter to me, too, but I couldn’t be bothered looking into the files of our past runs just to double-check the exact inauguration date. Don’t forget, time flies when you are having fun, so it could have been much longer ago than you imagine.

 

Q: Will Pantyless attend the ‘Annual Pantyless Run’ this time? Or will she cum up with an even lamer excuse than the one she used for her no-show last Saturday?

A: Whatever the word ‘promise’ is worth in this context, but she promised to cum because this will finally be her final F*ck Off Hash!

 

Q: Do hashers have to cum pantyless?

A: Don’t ask silly question. Use your brain instead.

 

Q: Do I have to be the hare?

A: Not this time, but AS YOU KNOW the Guangzhou Hash urgently needs committed hares to keep the quality of runs up at the high level where they are now. So go out to the woods and country parks, and scout for good trails.

 

Q: Will it get me laid more often if I become a regular hare?

A: Yes!

 

Q: Can I ask more questions?

A: No, unless they are really silly, and you have that weird desire to end up in the middle of the circle on Saturday.

 

On On,

00

 

 

Hashvertisement #1163 – The First Annual Pantyless Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The dreadful hare drainage on our distinguished Hash continues! Hare more often!!! It’s not difficult, it just takes a bit of your time. The reward however, is priceless.

 

With Meatballs and Hand Solo we have just lost two regular and experienced hares to the flow of time. For details, please check out Titty Tattle’s shocking hash trash.

 

This coming Saturday, another hasher – this one a young and aspiring hare – will fuck off. During her relatively short time on the hash, Pantyless has spurred many good hashers imagination. She may leave us, but her spirit shall live On On our hash. Therefore, the hares have declared this run to be the

 

First Annual Pantyless Run

 

Because this event will probably inspire more women than men, the male hares Constipation and Hunkaspunk promised during last night’s hash press conference / game analysis (see pictures below, thanks MB), that they themselves will serve as a good example.

 

‘It feels comfortable, sexy, and it also makes things so much easier for hares when getting caught’, analyzed Hunkaspunk in a still optimistic mood right before the game.

 

If you want to know whether Hunkaspunk is right, be at the Gold Mango Bar on Saturday, June 16, 2012, @ 1.30 PM. If you’d like to acquire further behind-the-scenes intel on last night’s game, don’t miss the circle!

 

On On,

00

Hashvertisement #1161 & 1162 – Meatballs’ F@ck Off Runs

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The buses to Hanguang are completely full, and it goes without saying that I am not at all surprised. This is definitely going to be the Best Away Hash Ever during the entire month!

 

If you happen to be one of the fortunate hashers who got a seat on the bus on Saturday, please be at the Mango at 10.30 A.M. The bus ride takes 3 to 3.5 hours. The Hash does not provide any food on the bus. That means you should bring your own lunch, or better even, bring a bit more and share it with your peers. There will be no other food until dinner!!! The bus will bring us directly to the A-point.

 

There will be a chance to cool off in a lovely water pond on Sunday, so bring your swim gear. Please also bring your passport to check into the hotel.

 

There won’t be an alternative hash in Guangzhou, so don’t cum to the Mango at 1.30!!! Sounds too bad? Well, why don’t you drown your frustration in large quantities of Tiger Beer at one of Guangzhou’s vibrant pubs or clubs, e.g. at the Gold Mango Bar. Again, please don’t forget to bring your passport and also the police registration. Our direct PSB-hotline has informed us that the police are going to conduct more routine checks than usual on foreigners in the cuming weeks. Should you still get caught without your ID, stay friendly, tell them that you do something important in Guangzhou, and then you should be able to get away with a 50 RMB fine. Still, that is the equivalent to one great Saturday with the GZH3 (unless, of course, it is this Saturday, when hashers pay 6 times the price to get 10 times the fun).

 

On On,

00

 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Summary

When:               Saturday, June 9, 2012 @ 10.30 A.M.

Where:              Gold Mango Bar

Price:                300 RMB until June 2, then 350 RMB

Return:             Sunday, June 10, late afternoon or early evening

What:                Pay to Hash Cash every Saturday at the Mango

 

For many people, the years spent on the Guangzhou Hash are their formative ones. This has been so also thanks to our Religious Advisor Meatballs, whose good example has inspired generations of young hashers. It was Meatballs, who always thought about enforcing our strict No-Beer-Spillage policy on the Hash, although he never ever shared his idea with anyone. That is what smart people call a wise move. He also taught us believers that beer alone is not alcohol, and that it is only to be considered alcohol when enjoyed in combination with Baijiu.

 

‘Drinking alcohol is our holy duty, he therefore repeatedly emphasized during the Hash press conference at the Gold Mango late last night, before he finally stated that this shall be his ‘most important teaching, and my legacy to the Guangzhou Hash’.

 

His Legacy? That’s a pretty big word for a man of Meatballs’ size. Could this be the first sign of a serious depression? Or worse, has he gone completely nuts?

 

Don’t worry, it’s none of it. In fact, Meatballs has never been better. The higher being that gives his existence meaning and direction (aka ‘The Foreign Secretary’) has ordered him to go to a hash-forsaken place called Uruguay to spread the true spirit of Hashing to the infidels. Hallelujah. Or better say ‘ON ON’! and ‘Hash Respect’!

 

Being in such a state of divine ecstasy, he nearly forgot to mention that the Guangzhou Hash is going to celebrate his Fuck-Off with a great Away Hash to Qingyuan, which is also known as Little Yangshuo. Not because it weren’t as pretty as Yangshuo (which it is), but rather because it gets much fewer tourists. Actually, we were really lucky to find a hotel that can host our quite large group, and even happier to learn that the hotel’s name is ‘The Superfun Hash Hotel’, or something like that. Super Wow!

 

As always on an Away Hash, the number of hashers is limited to the number of seats on the bus (unless you organize your own transport). Therefore, pay up as soon as possible. Remember: The mismanagement won’t accept any email reservation, only CASH!

 

The price is 350 RMB, but we give an early bird discount. If you pay until  June 2^nd you’ll get the whole package for a mere 300 RMB. So you better pay this Saturday. It’s not only cheaper, but it also guarantees you a seat on the bus!

 

The price includes:

• A few rides on our Superfun Hash Bus
• All toll fees on the so-called Superfun Highway to Qingyuan
• Dinner after Saturday run
• Lunch after Sunday hangover run
• Drinks on the bus and in the circle
• Meatballs Fuck-Off T-shirt
• One night in a shared double bed room at the Superfun Hash Hotel. If they’ll have enough rooms, you can kick out your room mate for an extra 50 RMB. Let us know early to check room availability with the hotel.
• Two breathtaking runs: one on Saturday and a hangover run on Sunday.

 

The hotel offers a breakfast buffet for 10 RMB. Because a lot of you won’t get up early enough to make use of it, we decided to leave it up to you to go for it or not, and slashed 10 RMB off the originally 400 RMB run fee. We also don’t organize any lunch box for the bus ride on Saturday! That’s another 40 RMB more in your pockets! Wow! Bring your own lunch, or better still, prepare a bit more and share it with the others. This might increase your popularity a lot, at least for a little while.

 

Detailed itinerary for the Away Hash on June 9/10, 2012:

Saturday

10.30 A.M.: Meet @ the Gold Mango Bar

11.00 till late: Kick some Meatballs

Sunday

Early till late: Kick more Meatballs

Circle time: Find out who will give us our future religious advice

 

On On,

00

 

Click to enlarge Meatballs’ official Fuck Off T-shirt

 

Hashvertisement for Full Moon Hash June 6, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

When:                  Wednesday, June 6, 2012 @ 7 P.M.

Where:                 Huangsha Station (Line 1) Exit B

What:                   Hand Solo’s Full Moon F@ck Off Hash

Hares:                  Pantyless and Papasan

 

The generation Y has finally grown old enough to run and drink on our distinguished Hash. For your information: This generation is the one that will finally take over responsibility for their own actions, and for those of their parents’ and grand-parents’. In fact, today’s governments have ruled that they’ll let the generation Y pay off all the current debts at an indefinite time in the future. The plan is to simply let them create an economical mega-growth, while simultaneously cleaning up the environmental mess we are leaving behind for them, and bringing stability and peace to the world.

 

That’s a pretty big challenge, you might say, and quite rightly so. Future leaders will have to go through a tough school. In times of decreasing educational budgets, the Full Moon Hash is committed to save the world, and to provide the necessary training for it. In a first step, the mismanagement has assigned one of generation Y’s most flamboyant representatives to be the hare tomorrow night! Pantyless will lead us through the Western suburbs of Old Guangzhou, assisted only by Papasan, who himself could easily be mistaken for a generation Y member.

 

Making this the Best Full Moon Hash Ever is also their personal way of showing respect to past leaders. Yes, you got it right. I am talking aboutHand Solo, the man from a completely different generation. He already stepped down as our Religious Advisor last month, but this will be his official Full Moon F@ck Off Hash. So come all, and show your respect to Hand Solo. Find out where he will be hashing next.

 

Previously, you were asked to dress up for this event as one of the Game of Throne characters. If you don’t know what that is, ask yourself whether you are already 21+. If the answer is yes: Don’t worry. You are perfectly normal. If not: In which world did you grow up, dude?

 

In case you really have no idea how these throne gamblers dress up, Pantyless asked me to forward to you the attached suggestions for alternative costumes.

Pooh, that makes it sooo much easier, doesn’t it?

 

On On,

00

Hashvertisement #1160 – The Early Bird Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

‘The Early Bird catches the Mosquito’ is a saying I grew up with. On Saturday, this saying will prove true in two ways. For one, it is your last chance to make use of the early bird discount that grants you a seat on the bus to Hanguang (formerly known as Qingyuan) for just 300 RMB. One thumb up!After Saturday the price goes up to a still ridiculously low 350 RMB. Some of you have asked whether there will be a bus on Friday, too. Well, not officially, but we are happy to work something out for you. Therefore, we would need to know how many people want to go on Friday ASAP! Tell us by mail, or on Saturday at the Mango.

 

For the other, it appears that the run site offers great opportunities to catch the occasional mosquito. Two thumbs up!! While this may sound like fun to most of you, others aren’t so fond of them little buggers. For these people, the hares have a good advice: Bring large quantities of mosquito repellent.

 

While this sounds a bit exaggerated to me, another remark the hares made, does not. During last night’s hash conference the excited hares promised that they are going to set the Best Hash Ever. Three thumbs up!!!

 

Where:                           Gold Mango Bar

When:                            Saturday, June 2, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Who:                              Yan Can Suck, French Tickler

What:                             Dinner back in town

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement for Hash #1159 – The Amazingly Virginal Run

 

cum on the amazing virgin–

ahem, hash.

Virgin trail, virgin hares, relive your first time… on the hash.

Hearken back to the days of runs safe from the shady advances of boy toy moosefucker Tim.

As you know, a virgin trail is rare on the Guangzhou hash, which is why we worked LONG and HARD finding the best run in GZ. We don’t want people finishing early but we promise it won’t hurt too much!
Remember, it’s always better on top — you will marvel at the beautiful views from the peak of GZ.

Be amazed at how the weather in GZ is always so beautiful (we can’t complain about a little wetness).
Finish the runners trail to arrive in Jannah and have a circle with 72 virgins!!!

(and if 72 is not enough, I have it from a credible source that any hashers who manages to catch Tim the Hare can have their way with him)

Show up at Mango Bar at 130pm Saturday, May 26th to find the other virgins and begin the day’s rough, but satisfying session.

Tim + Chuck

 

Hashvertisement #1158 – The Annual Red Dress Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

(You receive this hashvertisement already today, to give you two more days to prepare your red dress in time)

 

今年的“红裙子慈善跑”，我们选择把募捐款项和您的爱心捐助给广东公益恤孤助学会，资助孤贫学生。

广东公益恤孤助学会是依法成立的民间慈善团体，核心业务是无偿资助孤贫学生上学。

助学会全部资金来自海内外民间捐赠，所有捐款100%用于慈善事业，所有行政费用由理事单位另外提供。工作人员除八名是受薪的专职人员外，另有过千名在册工作的志愿者。

助学会成立时向社会公开承诺：

● 所有捐款和物资全部用于符合本会章程、宗旨的慈善性公益事业。

●财务收支完全公开，欢迎和接受捐赠人、社会各界人士、新闻媒体和政府主管部门查询、检查、监督。

● 本会不从事任何营利性经营活动，确保所有捐款的安全。

● 本会领导不领取工资、津贴等任何报酬。

成立时给捐赠人公开信：欢迎“在任何时候，可以在事先不通知我们的情况下，前来查询、审核和指导，我们将提供全部资料和工作方便。

网址：http://www.oesgd.org.cn/

 

The Orphan Education Society of Guangdong (OES) supports orphans and other poor children by paying their school fees, study materials, food etc. It is run by Mr. Wang Song Tang, a former executive manager with COSCO in Guangzhou. Grateful that life had been so good to him, he long had the desire to give something back in return. After retiring he founded the OES, initially funding it with his own savings. Thanks to his great organizational skills, he encouraged over 1000 volunteers to help. Many of them spend a lot of time traveling to the countryside to make sure the money is spent properly, and on the right kids.

 

Nowadays, the organization has further expanded its scope and also supports sick people who cannot afford urgent medical treatment. During my visit to Mr. Wang’s cramped and busy office a few weeks ago, he mentioned that the OES is going to pay for a surgery for a patient who is suffering from thalassemia. The idea to cover this patient’s surgery had been favored by some members of the voting committee. You can imagine how happy I was to hear that OES is taking care of this patient, because at the end of the day a majority of mismanagers had voted for the OES to be the beneficiary of our Annual Red Dress Run.

 

When I met Mr. Wang, I asked myself two questions. Does he have the right intentions? Furthermore, is he capable of running this quite large organization without being ripped off too much and without an administrative head which is too big for the body? I believe the answer to both questions is Yes!

 

In order to cut a long story short: We are going to collect donations for the OES, both, before and after the run, and you are advised to bring a bit more cash to the Hash than you usually do.

 

Whilst no one will be physically forced to give, the mismanagement strongly recommends that you are going to wear something RED. This is an ancient hash tradition, and we Guangzhou Hashers do obey it!!! Offenders might be put on ice.

 

When:                  19^th of May, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where:                 Gold Mango Bar

What:                   Charity Run. Give, if you can

What else:            Extra Ice

 

What else else?

 

Chuck has lost her Yangchengtong on the bus or at the Mango last Saturday. Normally, I would not mention this in a hashvertisement, but here’s the deal:  She offers a favor for the safe return of the card. Probably it’ll even be a big one, because this card is also her SYSU card…. and frankly, I have absolutely no idea what that could possibly stand for….

On On,

00

 

Article for ‘In the Red’, May 2012

On a hot and humid day in May 2011, a local TV station aired an interview with the elderly Mrs. Wong, who had just returned from the Long Yan Dong reservoir, where she fetches fresh spring water.

 

‘I had finished my break, and was carrying my bamboo pole with the water containers hanging from it’, the visibly annoyed woman reported to the instigative journalist on the scene, ‘when I heard a noise coming from the undergrowth. A few moments later, two large and hairy gweilos broke through the bushes, sweating like pigs, and gooey flour smeared all over their bodies and faces. Even more terrifying though was the fact that they were wearing red evening dresses, which didn’t even fit them. They looked at me with a mad grin and…to my great relief…spared me…and then set off. I felt it was safer to let them get a bit away from me and so I sat down again. But…oh no…I hadn’t even shut my mouth yet, when all hell broke loose. Forty or so of the red cross-dressers appeared, shouting something unintelligible… obscenities I presume…that sounded like ‘On On’, or’ Ice the Hares!’ Later though, I was told that these creatures were not dangerous, but merely wanted to play. Go figure…!!!’

 

What happened to the indignant Mrs. Wong happens to many unaware residents, every time the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers celebrate their Annual Red Dress Run. The flamboyant red dresses and costumes that the hashers wear to show off are certainly worth staring at. Even though the Ladies of the Hash have worked very hard on their outfits – this is the one day of the year when the men dominate the Hash fashion, and the air in the circle is filled with their giggling and excited high-pitched chattering. One of the hares, still wearing his gooey red pajamas, is now carrying a cute orange parasol. Another hasher, a 100kg man, is wearing a ballerina skirt, his bushy dark leg hair sticking out through bright red stockings. Two guys, who got the same red blouse that had been on sale at their favorite factory outlet on Zhanxi Lu, start a cat fight, while a stocky hasher begins to feel claustrophobic in a sexy red top an unknown girl left in his apartment a few years ago. It’s the same top he had already worn in previous years, and year after year the sexy top seems to have shrunk. Now it’s about four sizes too small for this rather large fellow. Others make suggestive remarks about the proud wearer of a slutty shine-through negligee, and whistle after a young local hasher who is dressed in a traditional, figure-hugging red qipao. Like everyone else here, he, too, is hopeful to be voted for Best Red Dressed Hasher.

 

No one knows where the ancient Hash tradition of running in red dresses originates, except of course for Wikipedia. Nevertheless, for real hashers this event isn’t only about showing off, or startling the locals, or ridiculing ourselves…it is foremost a charity event. As such the Red Dress is celebrated by many Hash Kennels all around the world. Last year, we collected money for two hospital patients from neighborhoods we often run in. These patients couldn’t afford to pay for much needed dialysis treatment. The Guangzhou Hash donated the entire Red Dress run fees to help them. Individual hashers were even more generous, and at the end of the day we donated over 6,000 RMB. This year, the Hash is going to support the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong, an organization run by dedicated volunteers who provide the unfortunate children with food, clothes, study material and much more.

 

Back in the circle, towards the end, the stocky hasher with a sexy top from the now forgotten girl wins the contest for Best Red Dressed Hasher – as he has in previous years. The crowd cheered – or shrieked – louder for him than for any other contestant. The losers respectfully bow their heads to the victor, and pray that the darn top won’t fit him anymore next year.

 

But until that next Red Dress Hash, our boys will be boys again, and our girls won’t be mistaken for cheap whores when they hit the bars in town, after just another Best Hash Ever.

 

The Red Dress Hash is this coming May 19^th. If you want to join the fun, please obey ancient hash customs and wear a red dress. As usual the run fee is 50 RMB, but bring a bit more if you want to help children in need. Remember don’t forget your sports shoes! Like every Saturday, the Hash meets at the Gold Mango Bar at 1.30. More information on www.gzh3.net

Check out www.oesgd.org.cn/view.asp?id=1303  for information on the Orphan Education Society of Guangdong.

 

Hashvertisement #1157 – Back from the other side run

As you know floppy has been absent from the hash for a few weeks due to some serious medical problems; yeah he was all messed up.

However he is back from his death bed to give the GZ hashers a run that will literally kill you…ha-ha

See you at that the mango Saturday 1:30 PM

 

 

Hashvertisement for Hash #1156 – The Zapatistas Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Emiliano Zapata was a leading figure of the Mexican revolution, but what he got really famous for is of course the Zapata’s bar chain with bars and clubs in Shanghai and maybe even in other places. Their loyal patrons are usually referred to as the Zapatistas.

 

Starting from Saturday, Guangzhou will also have a Zapata’s branch! That alone would already be a good reason to get euphoric, but it’s still getting better. As the Guangzhou Hashers are known to be distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen (see above) with a touch of class, we have all been invited to the Grand Opening on May 5^th @ 6.30 PM.

 

You have to PRINT OUT THE INVITATION to get in! Otherwise anyone could claim to be a hasher.

 

From 6.30 until 8.30 PM it’s invitation only, after that they will admit basically everyone, classy or not, and without invitation. Free snacks will be served until finished (rather earlier than later) and free drinks until 9PM.

 

Great deal, you probably say, but how can I make use of it? I have to go to the Best Hash Ever, and we won’t be finished at 8.30, at least not long before that. And then I also still have to shower and get dressed up a bit, haven’t I?

 

Yes, yes, yes, that’s all correct. Even though the Hash will be set close to the city, you might not make it in time for the free drinks. At least not, if you are planning to shower properly. Therefore, Zapata’s man on the ground in Guangzhou, fellow hasher Winnie Mandela, is handing out 80 RMB drink coupons to all hashers that come late because they had gone to the Hash. That’ll buy you two Mexican Revolutionary beers without missing the first swim Hash in 2012!

 

Really? A swim Hash?

 

Yes, that’s right. After recent torrential rain falls all water reservoirs are full and the water is cleaner than ever.

 

So cum all to the Hash on Saturday, and find out why Globetwatter is tougher than Sir Cum (and for that matter also tougher than anyone else of us).

 

Where:                 Gold Mango Bar

When:                  Saturday, May 5^th @ 1.30 PM

Who:                    Globetwatter and Sir Cum

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash May 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

Don’t you just love repetitions? When you finally understand the plot of a movie or get the punch line of that joke your boss had made recently, and that you had laughed so hard and long about. Or when you finally realize that Full Moon Hares mark with flour and chalk, and that only these two things indicate that you are on the right trail. In fact, if you haven’t seen any flour for a minute or so, you should get suspicious and turn around. If you have walked for half an hour without any flour in sight, and then start to wonder where the damn trail might be, you may not only be trail challenged but probably completely imbecile.

 

But don’t fear. The hares have volunteered to give you a second chance. Hence, they are going to set the identical Hash of last month again. Hooray!

 

When:                   Thursday, May 3, 2012 @ 7.30 PM

Where:                 Line 2, Sun Yat Sen Memorial Hall, Exit C (Zhongshan Jinian Tang)

Who:                     Constipation & Double-0

 

On a different and much more important note: Meatballs is stepping down as GM on Thursday, and Hand Solo as the RA. So pay them the Hash respect they do or don’t deserve. Find out who will be our new infallible leaders. It might be you!

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1155 – The Incredibleamazingsuperbestfun Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Hash!
This weeks run will offer incredible things!
1.) A luxury bus to bring you to the run site!
2.) A runsite you have never seen before!
3.) A trail you never ran before!
4.) A trail that is laid so excellently, that it will go down in history!
5.) 2 Hares that could easily pass as Gods!
6.) Cold beverages in an amazing variety!
7.) A circle with an astonishing level of high cultur!
8.) A bus ride back with lots of piss stops!
9.) A dinner that would make the most famous restaurants in Paris envious!

…… Or will it be the usual bullcrap:
A) Shitty bus
B) Shitty runsite
C) Shitty trail
D) Shitty and confusing laid trail
E) 2 Hares that could easily pass as Gods
F) Shitty cheap warm beer
G) Shitty circle
H) On the bus ride back your bladder will explode
I) If you survive dinner, you will sue the restaurant

Be there to find out the truth! Saturday 1:30 at the Gold Mango. Dinner will be back in town!

 

Hashvertisement #1154 – The Questionable Run

Onon,

Some people are born great hares, some are not. Cum this Saturday to
see to which of these groups Constipation and Hunkapsunk belong! Other
important questions that will be answered are:

Will one bus be enough?
Is anybody actually reading the PRD’s newest and most objective glossy
“In the Red”?
Will Saturday be really the only day this week without rain?
Did Constipation and Hunkaspunk whack enough bushes?
Will Matt remember his promise of wednesday night?
Will there be Sunshine?
Will OO Dirk’s objective writing for “in the Red” about our hash have
any effect?
Will the bus brake down again?
Will this really be the best hash of the year?
Will Sir Cum follow Globetwatter this time or stay with the girls again?
Will snack diva Diarrhea show up again?

come to see
Saturday 13.30 Mango!
“Dinner” on site!

 

Article for ‘In the Red’, April 2012

It never ceases to amaze me to see the different people that make their way to the Gold Mango Bar on hash day.  One example was the long-haired, but nonetheless uptight teacher from a Western hemisphere country. It turned out he was a non-drinking vegan. Hence, it didn’t come as much of a surprise to us when he wasn’t really enjoying the post-run activities of the Guangzhou Hash House Harriers. We never saw him again, but at least he got a stunning 10 km run out of it.

Another example was the innocent looking student with the eyes of an angel, who only walked the trail in the company of the old and the lame, but found even that too exhausting. However once in the circle, and after a few beers, she came up with accusations so filthy that even the most notorious hashers blushed. Don’t get me wrong…on the Hash this is a compliment, and I am confident we will see her again.

It takes quite a few committed members to make the Hash happen Saturday after Saturday. Bus, drinks and ice have to be organized, and someone (aka ‘the hares’) has to go out there and find a trail. The hares on the Guangzhou Hash take a lot of pride in what they are doing…or perhaps it’s just the fear of being ridiculed and made a social outcast that pushes them to go beyond their limits.

The Hares job is to set a breath-taking trail, with no roads or rubbish dumps anywhere near it. If it is a ‘live run’, they get a 15-minutes head start. After the 15 minutes have passed the others (aka ‘the pack’) set off. The pack always seems to come up with more or – more often – less than brilliant strategies on how to catch the hares. As the run progresses the effort seems to go into more obscure fantasies about an adequate punishments for them, should they get caught. Of course, the hares can make use of various effective methods to slow down the pack. These include dropping checks at junctions, or setting false trails. However, as tempting as the overuse of these techniques may seem: if they make it too difficult for the pack, and lose too many other hashers on the run their fate is sealed!!

Once the run/ walk is finished the moment of truth for the hares arrives at the beginning of the circle. The Grand Master of the Hash (aka ‘the GM’) summons them into the infamous Hash circle, formed by 20 to 60 steaming and sweaty human bodies imported to Guangzhou from all around the globe and all corners of China. There can be no doubt this is a truly unforgiving pack!!

“What did you think of today’s run?” demands the GM. Usually this blood (and beer) thirsty mob voices the view, “too short, too long, too flat, too many mountains, too straight, too square…”. No matter how clear the verdict of the masses is, the hares will reply that their run was the “Best Hash Ever”.  Good humoured banter and beer charged exchanges follow.

The verbal abuse of the hares continues once the Religious Advisor (aka ‘the RA’) takes charge of the Hash. The RA’s first job is to introduce the virgin hashers and open the circle for accusations. Making an accusation is just like making a toast to someone.  Certainly it usually is a bit more creative as no hasher ever lets the truth get in the way of a good story!!

Once the circle opens for accusations anyone can make an accusation against another hasher, and since each accusation is accompanied by a ganbei of ice cold beer to be consumed from the highly elaborate Hash drinking vessel, the circle can drag on until all accusations are finished, or all the beer has been consumed, or – more likely – until the accusations cannot be heard any more. At that point the circle is closed and the group move onto a restaurant for dinner.

Dinner involves starved hashers wolfing down the delicious local food, many dehydrated hashers continuing to drink cold beer, and despite the circle closing the continuation of accusations. And finally, the Hares will be quietly approaching the hare-raiser and ask him when they may set just another ‘Best Hash Ever’.

 

HASH 1153

HOME EARLY HASH

Yes, folks you read it right! If you have something else onbut still want to cum to the Hash, this one is for you!!!!!!!!

Cum have a good walk/run, have a cold beer or 3, and if you skip dinner you can still be home in time to kiss your children or mother good night.

If you want to stay and indulge, not a problem as dinnerwill be close to transport and the night life of GZ.

As you can see the hares are 2 very considerate individuals who will be catering to everyones fantasies.

C U all at the Mango 1.30pm Saturday, April 14th, 2012

P.S – Price still only 50rmb and there will be a walkers trail

 

Hashvertisement #1152 – The Small Talk Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Shamefully, during last week’s circle, the highly anticipated celebrations in honor of the hares got somewhat drawn out of the focus of attention. Instead of carrying the glorious heroes of the day on their shoulders, and praising them for having set the Best Hash Ever, some smart-mouthed hashers had to start an intense and very, very dreadful philosophical discussion on the nature of virginity. Some clowns claimed that it’s not possible to be just a little bit virginal, meaning that one is either 100% virginal – or not virginal at all. Others (women of course…) asserted that virginity is merely an antiquated concept used to oppress their species. In all fairness: That all sounds like a big pile of bullshit to me. I still remember what my old father had to say about this when I was a little boy.

‘Virginity lies in the eye of the beholder’, he preached time and time again.

Shouldn’t that make us think? I think not.

 

Still, it was infuriating to see how the hares didn’t receive the ovations they had earned. I guess it is true when they say that life isn’t fair, and that our world isn’t a perfect one. And maybe I even have to blame myself a tiny, tiny little bit for this cock-up, since I was the author of the hashvertisement which eventually stirred up all this irritating trash talk.

 

You live, you learn. So, in order to save this week’s hares from the same degrading fate that their pitiable peers had to endure last week, I have banned all controversial issues from this week’s hashvertisement! Instead, it’s entirely on innocuous and rather irrelevant topics, such as why wooden shoes are really great for haring, cheese builds better bodies, Heineken will never be the Hash Beer of Choice, and the Dutch economy is at the brink of a collapse.

 

When:                                               Saturday, April 7^th, 2012, at 1.30 PM

Where:                                              Gold Mango Bar

Who:                                                 Hunkaspunk and Constipation

What:                                                loads of virgin trails

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1151 The Confusing Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Ever since 1984, or 28 years ago, when our distinguished Hash met to run and drink for the first time, morality has declined dramatically in Guangzhou.

 

‘Yes’, are you probably calling out in fullest agreement, ‘innocence and virginity cannot be found in our city anymore.’

 

But is this really true?

 

Not so, if you give any credit to what the hares claim.

 

‘It’s a miracle’ they asserted with a very, very serious face during the Hash Press Conference at the Mango Bar late last night.

‘Just when we got convinced that this city had completely gone down the drain, we found this trail. It’s not only a virgin, but also a beauty. And AS YOU KNOW, that’s an extremely rare combination.’

 

And this is how the young and charming Ms. Mi Tuhai from the Health Department commented.

’What??? 28, and still a virgin? Certainly, that can’t be healthy! Or can it…? Oh, I am so confused now’

 

If you really need to know the answer, cum and find out. Or find out and cum. Or find yourself cumming out…? Damn, I am really confused now, too.

 

When                                                    Saturday, March 31^st, 2012 at 1.30 PM

Where                                                   Gold Mango Bar

What                                                     Happy Defloration

Hares                                                    Cougar Bait, 00 and a very curious Ms. Mi Tuhai

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash April 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Full Moon Hash,

 

Quality hares attract quality hashers.

 

 

When:                                  Thursday, April 5, 2012, at 7.30 PM

Where                                  Line 2, Sun Yat Sen Memorial (Zhongshan Jinian Tang), Exit C

Who                                      Constipation and 00

 

If night-blind, bring a torch. The trail is darker than what you sugar-coated Full Mooners are used to.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1150 – Home Cumming’s F@ck Off Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Having so royally failed to make a good first impression on the Hash, Home Cumming is now determined to clear his name once and for all.

‘I want hashers to remember me for having set the Best Hash Ever’, he was heard saying during the hash press conference at the Mango last night, ‘and not for all that other filth’.

 

Will he be able to keep such a big promise? And more importantly: Will he succeed in making not only a long lasting last impression on the hashers, but also a good one?

 

If you want to know the answers, don’t miss Home Cumming’s Home Going!

 

When:                                    Saturday, 24^th of March, 2012, at 1.30 PM

Where:                                   Gold Mango Bar

Who:                                      Home Cumming & Constipation

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1149 – The Green Hat Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

It’s the time of the year again, when people wear green, get funny, and consume large quantities of beer. Yes, you guess right, Saturday is Lá Fhéile Pádraig, or St. Patrick Day as we call it in the civilized world.

 

So, wear green! If you don’t have a green shirt, put at least a green hat on. The locals will appreciate this display of Hash Respect to St. Paddy.

 

Another option: cum as a catholic priest. (Parents, watch out for dear precious!).

 

When:                                      Gold Mango Bar

Where:                                     Saturday, March 17^th, 2012, at 1.30 PM

Who:                                        Globetwatter and Sir Cum

 

On On,

00

 

 

Hashvertisement #1148 – The International Women’s Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

AS YOU KNOW, today is the International Women’s Day, and it goes without saying that the Guangzhou Hash celebrates our most appreciated members: Women…

Tonight the festivities start with a Full Moon Hash. After long and hard discussions your generous mismanagement has decided not to be cheap and to honor our female hashers by not only granting them a 20%, 50% or 80% discount, but by slashing the run fee altogether. Wow!

The dinner damage, however, will be split among ALL hashers, regardless whether boy or girl.

 

When:                                  Thursday, March 8, 2012, at 7.30 PM

Where:                                 Metro Line 5, Xiaobei Station, Exit A

 

On Saturday, the frenzy continues. The mismanagement has asked the two most sophisticated women-understanders on the Hash to set a run, which will be even better than last week’s girlie hash.

If you happen to be a female hasher you may probably ask right at this moment, ‘And what’s in it for me?’. Well, the answer to that is in fact quite spectacular: One of the hares, the one who knows what women want better than the women themselves, will give all harriettes a long and heart-warming hug AFTER the run. For FREE.  Wow again!!

And the TREAT OF THE DAY (also for men): ice cold Tiger Beer on the bus and in the circle. Triple Wow!!!

 

When:                                  Saturday, March 10, 2012, at 1.30 PM

Where:                                 Gold Mango Bar

Who:                                    Hunkaspunk and Home Cumming

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement Full Moon Hash March 2012

Listen up!
Next FullMoonHash will be on

Thursday the 8th of March at 7:30pm
Meeting Point is the Metro Station Xiaobei Exit A

Bring a flashlight. It might get dark……
OnOn

 

Hashvertisement #1147 – The Harries Awards Run

Ladies and Gentleman of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

A few days ago I had to sit through some liberal clusterfarce called “The Oscars”. I say ‘I had to’, because just prior to that show, I had caused – and lost – a domestic dispute and, subsequently, had to sooth my room and bed mate, in order not to jeopardize further mating.

 

Unfortunately, it didn’t precisely work out as planned. Probably, it was that weird Billy Crystal guy who ruined my night. Honestly, wouldn’t you get desperately cynical if you had to look at that ass with ears and a 1980’s killer perm, and listen to the crap coming out of his mouth, all night long, while the remote control is in an unreachably remote place (aka ‘the mate’s lap’)?

 

Well, I for one couldn’t keep my mouth shut, and at one point I blurted out that, if the Guangzhou Hash would hold such a ceremony, it would have much more style, much more class, and people wouldn’t puke because they were disgusted by all that French and Iranian winner’s talk, but simply because they had enjoyed really large quantities of juicy Tiger beer. Or got hugged by Hunkaspunk.

So, in order to show you that I am not all empty promises, the mismanagement gives to you, for the first time:

 

The Inaugural First Annual Harries Awards Ceremony

 

When:                  Saturday, March 3^rd, 2012, at 1.30 PM

Where:                 Gold Mango Bar

Nominees:           Qin-ger Rogers and Floppy Astaire for their stunning performance in ‘Swinger Time’

 

Since France and Iran were the principal winners of that lame Oscar show, we are still waiting for the members of our French-Iranian Hash community to submit their works, so that they, too, can proudly stand up, when we sing their national hash anthem.

 

And now: The Treat of the Day!

 

Hashers, this is a first time event. Studies on the Internet suggest, that 83.7% of all first time events are never going to be repeated, and are therefore last time events at the very same time. However, in their endless generosity towards themselves, the mismanagers have decided to keep the run fee at a mere 50 RMB, instead of charging ourselves 100 RMB for the two events which we are getting.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1146 – The Great Leap Forward Run

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

Don’t worry. We are not going to romanticize the early years of revolutionary China. This hashvertisement is entirely and exclusively on exciting Guangzhou Hash matters. Two of our fellow hashers will make a Great Leap Forward in their quest to become the first to receive the extremely cool, and – more importantly – highly prestigious running shorts, sponsored by the ‘Hares get Laid 2012’ campaign of the Guangzhou Hash. In fact, one of the hares is going to set her third hash since X’mas, the other one his second! That is certainly amazing and the pack will therefore want to celebrate them.

 

‘So who are these two fellow hashers who will leap forward so greatly on Saturday?’ you are probably asking yourself right now. Well, as all great hares, also these two are more humble than anything else, and have asked me not to reveal their names. Hence, my lips are sealed, and in the following their names have been scrambled by our own hash software to a state of non-recognition. So cum and find out who these fine hashers are. I can only disclose this much: The run will be long! And it will be hard!

 

Where:                          Gold Mango Bar

When:                            Saturday, February 25, 2012, at 1.30 PM

Who:                              Globetwaxxer and Sir Cxm

 

And this is what the charming representative of the Guangzhou Health Department, Ms. Mi Tuhai, had to say at the Hash press conference at the Mango last night:

 

‘Long! And Hard! hashes can be very strenuous, and Kiwi-style runs in particular are designed for humans and sheep only. Dogs, however, can face a dreadful fate, so better think twice before you expose your four legged friend to the Hash.’

 

Or better still: Don’t think about it at all.

 

On On,

00

 

Hashvertisement #1145 – The Nuclear Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

 

The terrible disaster at the Japanese nuclear power plant of Fuck-u-Shima certainly made a big impression on nearly everyone around the globe, and even on some local officials of our beautiful power plant. As ordered by their superiors, they immediately identified the biggest safety threats, and subsequently Glowballs has to fuck off. In a second move to further strengthen over-all security, authorities are going to paint huge smileys on the cooling towers, as advised by Glowballs’ replacement, an experienced master of the old-age Chinese science of Feng Shui.

 

Glowballs, however, is a committed hasher, and so he is inviting the Guangzhou Hash to Taishan, where we are going to hash in, on and around his beautiful power plant. Guys, this is as close as you can get to your very own glowing balls. So don’t miss this unique opportunity.

 

You probably say ‘Wow, that’s amazing!’ as you read this, and ask yourself how the hash can come up with just another great special event, and how they finance it?

 

The financing part is eas