 Posted on 03:19, June 9th, 2007 by Web Bitch
Guangzhou Hash – Run 888, June 9, 2007
Posted on 16:00, June 8th, 2007 by Web Bitch
Posted on 03:36, June 2nd, 2007 by Web Bitch
Guangzhou Hash – Run 887, 2nd June, 2007
Posted on 03:46, May 26th, 2007 by Web Bitch
Guangzhou Hash – Run 886, 26th May, 2007
Time to build an Ark in GZ?
Saturday saw rains of near biblical proportions cum down on Guangzhou. The skies became black and sins of the collective hashers were to be repaid in full with a brutal adventure at
Posted on 03:56, May 15th, 2007 by Web Bitch
Guangzhou Hash – Run 884
Run 884 – HuangPu KungPu
The Heat is On!
After many weeks of mild winter weather and a cooler than average spring (blame global warming), the hashers of Guangzhou experienced their first day of what could be looked upon as the beginning of SUMMER! Hot weather (early 30s according to Shoeless Ho’s wrist thermometer) and a bright sun overhead promised tans for everyone. One thirty in the afternoon at Sportsman’s and still no crowd made the mismanagement fear a low turnout BUT ever the optimist, Pippy Uglystockings swore the loyal would show. And show they did as 2pm came rolling near. Soon there was a huge crowd in Sportsman’s eager to hash through virgin territory promised by Shoeless Ho’s brash advertisements and his haring effort with local hare God, Platterpuss.
Sex Fantasies & Dark Tunnels
Once the Hashers (all thirty or so) disembarked from the bus on a dusty village road not far from Huangpu, they were told it would be a good idea to have flashlights (torches to the 3rd worlders) on hand. Speculation soon circulated: were we going spelunking? Was Platterpuss going to offer free vaginal inspections? Would Sunshine finally impress all with her swallowing skills?? After an On On through farm fields and 1within the alleys of a village, hashers soon were going up a hill supporting a pipeline used by the SinoPec Oil cartel. Making sure there were no smoking hashers, they made it through in one piece and saw amazing views of wonderful Guangzhou/Huangpu countryside. The sun was beaming down in full force and the hashers were offered a pleasant respite from the heat by running through a kilometer long tunnel (no, it wasn’t Boxy’s pussy) that would soon host a new superhighway plowing through more former hashing grounds. After exiting the tunnel, the front runners went up another mountain while the laggers and wankers became totally lost and near death. Luckily sweeping hare Shoeless Ho managed to save everyone even though he did not manage to lose Sunshine. Down down down..
Competition, PussySniffer Jr. & New Names
The circle was conducted by guest RA Mudslut and GM Pippy Uglystockings in their usual harmless and Canadian way at a nice park called Long Tou Shan. Or so we thought until Pippy started getting vicious in her new Platterpuss-like ways. Returnees included such lost souls as Da Fei Ji, Prom Queen and Rolling Bones. Newcummers included a Chinese cop spying on GZH3, a Beijing white chick (Rachel) and her Kiwi friend Hong. There was an artificially red headed Aussie lad that immediately had veteran hashers calling him “Young Pussy sniffer” who didn’t know his own real name. I think it was “Ben”, as in Chinese for “dumb”. Sven/Anders again came in first (according to him) by sprinting in and touching the bus first. Poor guy just doesn’t get it. In honor of Sven’s athletic prowess and recent revelation of his martial arts skills in Kung Fu fighting, he was named by Mudslut and the GM as, forever in the future, “Kung Poo”. All in all, it was voted best hash in May.
On On,
Platterpuss
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Posted on 10:49, August 28th, 2006 by Soggy Biscuit
Good Morning, Sunshine!
Road-weary and flour-spattered hares Soggy Biscuit & Platterpuss, rolling into Sportsmans just about 1pm last Saturday, were greeted with an unusually Sunny welcome. It made us happy, even when skies were gray. Christ, can I get a breakfast menu PLEASE?!
Old Friends…
This week’s cast of returnee’s were looking “hen bu cuo” with the likes of MaoBi, Jane Fondle, & Suppository. The addition of Cheesy Herman definitely brought the average down, though the hashers were relieved to see him again as he had disappeared some months ago with the unlikely story of finding gainful employment.
New Friends…
Boxy decided to bring in a pair of her office interns, Ben & Jade. She had already managed to get these two lost earlier in the week at BaiYun Mountain, and apparently decided to give it a shot in the Guangdong countryside this time. Ben & Jade weren’t too sure if this was all for fun or if it was some kind of survival training. Jade brought along an older French gentlemen who vehemently denied being famous American singer Tony Bennett. Add two GZ ladies Celina & Fenne, and it was a healthy crop of newcummers.
The Usual Idiots…
Brought the total up to 27 hashers, eager to get on the bus promptly at 2pm. Actually, most of them were more concerned with finishing their lunch– it was Platterpuss who was stomping around kicking asses in the name of punctuality.
Hash-And-A-Half
It was quite a run… old people, dogs, unspeakable smells… a flawlessly-executed and logistically-admirable A-to-B run. Platterpuss & Soggy Biscuit boldly led today’s band of hashers from a mysterious new location out past Golden Lake to the previously visited “Restaurant by the Lake”. It was a carefully planned route that left the hashers no short-cutting options… except where Broadway Bitch managed to led the runners up the walking trail right out of the first check. Pay that big white “W” and arrow no mind (!), those must be naturally occurring…
Important Business
A good portion of the circle was taken up with official GZH3 business announcements from the previous evening’s Mismanagement Meeting. This worked out well for RA Soggy Biscuit who, as usual, was woefully unprepared for crowd entertainment. A quick summary:
Shoeless Ho, with 13 hashes under his belt & an 0 for 2 record on haring attempts, was the logical choice as GZH3’s new Hare Raiser. Actually, Ho didn’t even know there was a Mismanagement meeting Friday night at the Sportsmans, he just happened to be there for dinner and got “elected”.
Allergic-to-downdowns Everready was appointed as understudy to Hash Dre. Broken Hymen. Got all that shit down, Everready? Good, because Hymn’s out of town for the next 2 weeks… Everready was only at the Mismanagement meeting to find out who would be organizing the Philippines away hash. Much to her dismay, she found out that she is.
Reluctant-RA-In-Training Soggy Biscuit was officially anointed as Religious Advisor. In a touching show of solidarity, Reluctant-RA Cheesy Herman even came out for Saturday’s hash to pass down the cursed book & vestment.
Broadway Bitch showed up roughly 40 minutes late for the Mismanagement meeting, by which time all the “good” spots were taken, so he was stuck with Alter Boy. From this position he’ll assist current funnyman Soggy Biscuit and be sexually abused by current & former RA’s. Broadway, who looks as if he’s spent some time in a Catholic school, seemed to take this all in stride.
Cums-With-Someone-in-Dongguan was reconfirmed as Grand Mattress. Cums-With was so underwhelmed by the honor that she neglected to show up for either the Mismanagement Meeting on Friday or Saturday’s Hash.. And, in the moment we’ve all been waiting for… Or, at least, that Pippi has long been waiting for… Canadian Pippi Uglystockings was crowned as the new Grand Master (-ess?) of the now re-named Guangzhou Hash “Hooose” Harriers. Platterpuss’s last act as outgoing GM was to order a bukake fest for the occasion. Pippi’s first act was to cancel it.
Enough Already…
Some downdowns, please. Broadway B. brought up Mao Bi for allegedly making some lifestyle changes. She’s still into guys, but she’s going to start going to the gym and stop drinking. It was such an inspiring announcement that all hashers present joined in to sing the “Sounds Like…“ song in an impressive 3-part harmony.
Shoeless Ho, getting weirder by the week, showed up with a contraption he proudly referred to as his “Big Richard”. It was a sort of drinking aid to prevent wrist injuries while doing downdowns. Fulla Spunk, on the ice for another last hash (for a while), managed to make RA Soggy Biscuit blush by stating that, while she didn’t have any experience with a “Big Richard,” she was more than willing to give it a try. Soggy was more than happy to give her the opportunity, if only to free up the cold seat to celebrate an auspicious hash for Cheesy Herman. Ice Ice Cheesy, naturally assuming his good fortune was due to ridding himself of the RA’s robes, was surprised to find that this was also his 88th run in Guangzhou,. Tony Bennett was given one last chance to belt out a tune for those present, but he refused to offer anything more than that mysterious jig that seems to afflict all Frenchmen in the circle. Thus denied, it was time to close it down. Cum-On-Bear… may he rest in peace.
On On,
Soggy Biscuit
Posted on 11:03, August 17th, 2006 by Mud Slut
THE RETURN OF THE CANADIANS
Well, the day had finally come for the Canadians to return. That’s right – Pippy and Mudslut were back to share their chiper energy with unsuspecting hashers. Sportsmans was buzzing as people were greeted with hugs, kisses, and Canadian Sandwiches….mmmmm double meat!
The return of the Canadians saw the return of many old hashers….they knew the run would be good and the circle would be great! And they weren’t disappointed.
The hash began somewhere near the Computer Park near the Olympic Stadium. No one really knows where it is….but DaShlong can draw a map to it that the bus driver could read, so it must not be hard to find. The hashers poured off the bus in the swealtering heat, and soon questioned their sanity in choosing to run on such a hot day. Many questioned Shoeless Ho’s sanity as Low Clearance seemed to be low on energy early in the run. With a doozy of a false trail, people missing markings, and some (admittedly) confusing markings, the hashers found themselves on a trail of trees, graves, and workmen. With Mudslut guiding the way, and Pippy bringing up the stragglers, it seemed that no one could get lost…or so they thought.
The Aftermath.
Most hashers returned to the bus praising the hares for their good sense. An hour run was plenty, and hour and a half would’ve seen hashers keeling over and vomitting. There was at least one casulty…poor Mounting Goat fell victim to some trechorous holes and bushes. And, some hashers were confused by the strange instructions, “Go out to the road and turn left” (it seems some of us have yet to master that skill) so they were a little late to the circle. But that was fine, as the circle late to start due to heat exhaustion. And then the fun began.
Oh Canada!!!! We are the Best Country!!
Knowing that the Canadians were up for some major down downs, they came prepared. Fully equipped with Canadian attire, they sat on the ice like true Northerners. They also distributed Canadian propaganda items to all of their close hash friends. Vive les Canadienne! Jio Jianada! Their contagious laughter soon spilled over to the boys in the circle. Poor Soggy had a rough time keeping the peace as Comes So Often kept his commrades howling with laughter. Then Shoeless Ho joined in with his farting arm (which Vanilla Rice thought was sooooo funny) and the circle dissolved into a riotous mess. The only two people who seemed oblivious to the craziness were Boxy Pussy and Salamasalmi, whose PDAs grabbed the attention of the new hashers. Some much needed cooling off was provided by the acid rain typhoon that passed over the hashers, but it didn’t stop the maniacal Nigel from beer fights and screaming on the bus ride home.
Ahhh, the joys of hashing!
Remember: Don’t shirk you haring duties now, eh!
On On!
MS
Posted on 11:07, August 1st, 2006 by Soggy Biscuit
Ominous Signs…
Something was amiss at Sportsman’s cum 1:30 last Saturday, the kind of thing you can’t quite put your finger on. Certainly the restaurant itself seemed the same (almost enough customers to look like the place was open for business).
No obvious changes to the menu… Weather outside was still oppressively hot… Wait a minute– Where the fuck is Broken Hymen?!?
Hymen must have died sometime during the past week. There was no other logical explanation.
Panic set in to Hash Cash Soggy Biscuit at this point– 1:50pm and the buckets weren’t out… No drinks on order for day… No flour for the live run… The ice man was sitting out on the curb with his block of ice (in the sun), apparently content to just let that shit melt if Hymen doesn’t tell him how to chop it up.
It was left to Soggy Biscuit, Whorenando, & Shoeless Ho to carry on. In the flurry of activity that followed, we almost didn’t notice another looming catastrophe…
Sausage, Anyone?
That’s right, boys, it was looking a lot like a sausage fest, a dick farm… we were staring straight down the barrel of an all-men’s hash.
Thank god, then, that Mattress Pad showed up promptly at 2:10, to throw a little estrogen into this sea of sperm. You could tell from the look on her face that she had mixed feelings…
And, despite the absence of Hash gear peddler Pippi Ugly Stockings, we managed to sell another shirt. Visiting from KL Mother Hash, Aussie Dum Dum expressed a keen interest in our 777 shirt. He was a bit disappointed that we only had one rather dirty size “L” left, but, after being told that it said “Handjob” on the back in Chinese, he bought it anyway.
Desperate Housewives…
With our one lonely lady it was on the bus, then, and out to MaoFengShan. But wait– second-time hasher Maurius, quickly realizing the gravity of the situation, had made a few phone calls and announced that reinforcements were on the way.
True to his word, ten minutes later we were singing “Why Are We Waiting” and forcing three flirty little Canto-housewives into double down-downs. That man needs to hash more often.
Now, About That Run…
With a few other late additions (mostly female), we were up to 16 and on our way. It was time to talk strategy now for hares Soggy Biscuit and… and… oh, shit… who’s going to set the run? With 8 newcummers, 3 other rookie hashers, and Shoeless Ho telling him “No fucking way”, the pickings were slim. Not wanting to show his ass to this rather dude-heavy crowd, Soggy chose fit-looking second-time hasher UK Alex. “Tell me again what we do with the flour?” asks Alex.
We May Have Been Here Before…
No, Soggy knew for a fact that we had been here before. Just off the highway in MaoFengShan, down one side of the reservoir, up the next valley, & back home through the abandoned pig farm. We had run this exact trail before. But, hell, we could have just re-run last week’s hash and these idiot newcummers wouldn’t know the difference.
Oddly enough, Soggy Biscuit found himself to be the voice of reason while setting the trail. Rookie hare Alex was merciless– despite the number of walkers, despite the fact that visiting hasher DumDum was 65 years old– it was a relatively cool day and he was going to get his 50 kuai’s worth out of this trail. GZ native Gordon took last place and the Shiggy Award, and strokes & heart attacks were avoided by all.
The Soggy Biscuit Show…
After running through the newcummers and returnees (3/4’s of the circle), RRAT (Reluctant RA In-Training) Biscuit started into his routine, giving Shoeless Ho the lead-off down-down. Now, the subject of the down-down wasn’t as noteworthy as the fact that, when it came time to drink it, Shoeless Ho instead pulled out the front of his shorts and poured it onto his genitals. It was all downhill from there…
Make that the Shoeless Ho Show…
Not five days before, Ho had been fretting to his hashing friends that he’d never made an accusation, that he didn’t know how to do it. Well, on this hash he burst– no exploded– onto the scene. Ho was on fire, he was dishing them out left and right, in English, in Chinese, he called out a hairy armpit contest (won hands down by Cypriot Maurius, go figure), he had the ladies up for using umbrellas & cell phones, he had second-time hasher Gordon drinking out of his shoes (didn’t look new to the rest of us, but Gordon was drunk by this point). Shoeless Ho was turning this into a right proper Hash circle.
Other noteworthies–
cutie Gracie wanted to announce to the hash (with the help of the RRAT) that boyfriend & occasional hasher Boy’s Club was out of town… just FYI. Alex brought up Shoeless Ho for finishing off the run by exposing what was apparently the “hairiest ass (he’s) seen across a fishing pond in many years”. Newcummer Tiaan was brought up for proudly announcing, beer in hand, that he had quit drinking the week before. Second-time Maurius wasn’t brought up but it was quickly becoming apparent that his only reason for hashing was to get pissed for 50 kuai. DumDum was brought up for hashing in 2 dozen countries around the work, doing a fine job of pounding out the days run despite his age, and being an all around hardcore hasher… only to drink Sprite in the circle. Last but not least, stand-in pourer Whorenando was given a salute for discovering what has alluded Broken Hymen for years– cold beer!
Swing… ?
Despite Shoeless Ho’s objections, Soggy Biscuit called it to a close. He called up veteran hashers Whorenando & Mattress Pad, as they were likely the only others present who knew the words & motions to the song. Well, it quickly became apparent that they didn’t know the motions, and weren’t even too familiar with the words. You’d think it was in Chinese… Whatever. On the bus.
On On,
Soggy Biscuit
Posted on 11:16, July 28th, 2006 by Soggy Biscuit
Another Stellar Summer Hash!!!!
The hash with Shoeless Ho was awesome. Luckily he called me at 8:55 for our 9:00 meeting, because I was out until 4:00 the night before and was still asleep & kind of drunk when the phone rang. I couldn’t really see strait, but I did manage to get dressed & stumble downstairs (in a tank top, no sunscreen). Ho was nice enough to come & pick me up (we were supposed to meet at the TaoJin Lu Starbucks), and even brought me some coffee. He was his usual exceptionally sunny & enthusiastic self, and I felt like I had just clawed my way out of a shallow grave. We went to a fairly hilly location I was somewhat familiar with and set out. The sun was blazing and I was doing a pretty good job of dehydrating myself & getting a sun burn. We ran into some “issues” and had to back track on our set trail. As it turned out, the issues were quite substantial and we had to back track quite a bit. I was thinking to myself “hmmm… probably won’t make it back to Sportsmans for lunch”… meanwhile Ho was thinking to hisself “hmmm… probably won’t make it through setting the rest of the trail”. So, after quite a bit of soul searching and mulling over the possible options… no lunch & setting a decent but very aggressive run on an extremely hot day… or… lunch & a live hash in the afternoon… we went with the lunch option.
So let me tell you a bit about the nice egg & cheese sandwhich I had at Sportsman’s…
Anyways. I was really pushing to get Ho to set a live one in the afternoon. He was like, “I’d love to, brother, but it’s just not going to happen.” So, Strap-On & I set a nice (long yet leisurely) run in Luogang from the small roadside temple to the vacant-lot-lake that has since been turned into a park. Circle was fairly boring. Could have been the heat, could have been the RA-in-Training. Ho’s wife’s hash name was updated from Glistening Globes to Hami Melons (nothing to do with her tits… she’s from Hami). Boxy’s husband Robert was named Sala’am-Alami due to his familiarity with Iraqi culture & apparently has large genitalia.
On On, S. Biscuit
Posted on 11:24, July 20th, 2006 by Mud Slut
The death of the friendly hash???
Well, the web-wanker got some unfavorable reports about this hash….so based on the information I thought I’d give writing a Hash Trash from overseas.
“This hash was a culmination of expert and well thought-out planning by vetran hashers Vanilla Rice and Soggy Biscuit. They rose early in the morning, on a beautiful sunny day to create the third best hash ever, only falling behind the famous Shoeless Hoe/Broken Hymen Hash and the infamous Numbnuts Hash.
Runners were treated to a rare display of Guangzhou’s liquid sunshine and a ton of well placed flour and well marked trails. In fact, the trails were soooo good, that the hasher were very fast, and on this day, they even managed to beat the Hares back to the circle. The circle was FABULOUS….not one of these, ‘ok, so if there’s no more accusations…I guess we’d better close the circle!” type deals.
Wei, whose presense has been regularly reported on the hash, was finally named “Full of Spunk.” Excellent choice!” Unfortunately, she will be leaving beautiful GZ for the US…how long will she go for? Only time will tell.”
Well, that’s all….did I forget anything?
(won’t you all be glad when the Canadians return…3 weekends, eh?)
On On,
Mud Slut
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