GZ Heatwave in November

It was a welcum, rare and joyous moment to be at the Mango just after 1:00 on a HOT November Saturday to be greeted by an OPEN door! Early cummers Blacksheep and Platterpuss, fresh from Subway for a bite to eat, sat under the luxurious shaded terrace of the Gold Mango enjoying the heatwave. Lucky for them, they were not alone for long when Sunshine came cheerfully sauntering in. Surely, we felt, we were doomed to a threesome until about 20 minutes later some other hashers came along, taking their sweet damned time. There were a few retardees such as Barbara, colleague of Sam the refined English vicar, Alan the Beevis cousin of Filthy Habits, and our long lost Fudgepacker! Apparently his steady was out of town and that gave him the excuse he needed to cum again. But not with her, alas! Another super retardee was our fearless and heavy footed GM Shoeless Ho, back from a 2-week rest after having cracked his ribs falling down the staircase. Luckily he landed on his head in the end and not too much damage was had. Newcummers included a girl named Bonnie and Nicky, the main squeeze of Burger King who has joined Full Moon and Hainan hashes, but never had the nerve to go to a normal Saturday hash. No fair keeping treats like that all to yourself Burger King! With the hares (Meatballs, Globetwatter and chauffeur Thumbleprints) back from their setting, hashers were on on and off with a rookie driver (Mushy was taking a deserved day off to service Mrs. Mushy) to see what disaster awaited them.

Mmm…The Sweet Smell of Petroleum

After passing the Honda factory, we continued North for a while until we were well into the GZ petroleum refining zone along with its distinctive, delicious aroma. Pulling into yet another indistinct Canto village at the base of a big hill hashers immediately knew we were in for a climb as it was spotted on the way in, a small “pagoda” lookout at the peak. After another mass confusion start, the runners were finally on something and into the thick bush. Veteran hashers would have noted that the amount of checks this early into the hash, much like a live hash,  combined with a lot of bush with no discernible trail meant the hares were fucked early on and the trails they thought were there did not actually materialize! Finally after whacking around for about 15-20 minutes, Finger Licker, SircumNavigator and some other fast runners started the inevitable ascent. Trampling on graves and wiggling through crawl holes that made us wonder how the hell Meatballs got through, we finally hit a trail we knew to be passable because it ran along the entire ridge lined with a giant bird catching net erected along. Are these left from the days when China killed every living sparrow and then had the consequential problem of too many locusts and other assorted insects or is it a lazy man’s way of catching what goes into the Canto soup the next day??

Steve McQueen Ain’t Dead, Tho’ His Pig Is!!

Finally after reaching the plateau pagoda that offered sweeping views of shitty factories and new highways, the front runners got back into gear and prepared to go down. Unfortunately, not on some hottie, although Alan had Sunshine on his mind. A concrete track was laid along much of the ridge and stairs were thoughtfully laid into the ground for the convenience of the weekend hiker/high heel wearing set. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, runners were led into a fine particle “moondust” dirt road until an open area was reached that apparently the hares then ran out of flour. Searching for a good 15 minutes from two backchecks, confusion was the order of the day and improvisation came in handy. Finally we hit upon a fenced in area with brand new barbed wire and tough terrain. The trail then forced us to wriggle crawl under the wire and look at freedom beyond. Though I though it was my imagination, it was actually Filthy Habits whistling the theme from “The Great Escape”. Appropriate enough as one of the hares was a German who was probably having visions of being a camp commandant! Again GZH3 has broken virgin highway with a stretch of the run going along a yet to be opened super highway still in its glorious black top. Reconnecting with the group of walkers shortly after exiting the highway, we were chasing sparse flour and markings that, to be kind, were subject to very open interpretations. Somewhere in the back, Filthy could still be heard whistling but the front runners lost him as he apparently turned back to see if he could find his cousin Alan. In the end, Filthy said “cousins are expendable…I have plenty of those!”

Chacks and backchecks later, we were again to navigate deadly razor wire only to be greeted by the foulest fowl farm and pig breeding center that left two of their bloated carcasses floating in a fetid pond for all to see and smell. Well, at least we knew where the  baozi shops were gonna get their meat the next day! One final obstacle later (A Bridge Too Far) and we were home free. This time Filthy could be heard whistling another tune.

Fishing From the Hash Pond And Other Dirty Secrets…

The circle took quite a long time to get started as a gaggle of hashers were not to be found and the hares were sent packing to go back to retrieve them. Among the lost were Burger King’s Nicky, Shoeless Ho and Alan. Sunshine was back early, dear readers. When we were finally underway, we greeted the newcummers and immediately set Nicky and her fine bum along on the ice for cooling off. Down downs included one for Sunshine for using the Hash as her personal hunting grounds/fishing pond for landing available studs the past few years, including such gents as Alan, Pile Driver, and Burger King. Burger King was called up for finishing the hash with the front runners and then immediately relaxing and having beers without breaking a sweat to worry about his lost darling Nicky! Happy Ending was called for trying to pass herself off as some sort of innocent and pure girl that goes home to read the Bible every night when in reality she parties it up on Salsa night dancing with every available swinging dick (and Whorenando isn’t even here)!! FudgePacker was reminded to cum more often though he said he cums a lot recently regardless of the hash! Finally it was getting too dark and it was painful to see young Nicky suffer on the ice (we were waiting for a full weather report!) so Platterpuss, as acting RA, bestowed upon the lovely young lady a name that was worthy of her figure, reputation, personality and boyfriend. Therefore and forever in the future, Nicky is now to be known on the Guangzhou Hash and any and all others as “Fur Burger”!!! 
 

On On!

Platterpuss  

Upcumming Hashes: 

Nov. 22 (969) – Kama Sutra Sexual Position Hash 

Nov. 29-30 (970, 971) – Yangshuo “DIY” Hash! 

No Key Needed

When your scribe turned up at the Mango at around 1:10 to see how the inventory was going with the new, enthusiastic haberdashers Globetwatter and MattressPad, he was distressed to find that the doors to Mango were NOT open and a stressed out Globetwatter weakly kicking against the metal doors like a serious alcoholic Jones’ing for a taste of cheap whiskey in the middle of the day! Luckily after about 15 minutes of useless calls to Mango management, Matti the Finnish hero showed up and again performed his magic trick of lifting and sliding the steel door off the track and opening Mango for business, whether they liked it or not. Shortly after we were let in, SirCumNavigator showed up with a couple of senior citizens from New Zealand that were apparently related to him and Globetwatter. One was the spitting image of Chuck Norris and the lady bore a strong, strong resemblance to the alcoholic Globetwatter! Turns out it was Globetwatter’s older sis Miriam and her husband Graham (I think), whom I will now refer to as “Chuck”. Chuck was in for some meetings in Guizhou province where he co-runs a melamine-free dairy farm (sounds like, sounds like…) with some corrupt officials up there. Many retardees were back in GZ after a long absence including Mi Lao Shu, Sam the English Lady, and Nokia’s best friend Yan Can Suck! Noticeably absent was GM Shoeless Ho! who was suffering bouts of brain damage (again) along with cracked ribs from falling down a set of stairs at his place when…completely SOBER! The hares were not back yet and a certain cloud of doom drifted over Mango (and over Sunshine) as we learned the hares were none other than Filthy Habits and two rookies: Happy Ending and FireInThe Hole! Back to my karmic good vibes…Ummmmmmm…

“Just Off The Main road”

Filthy Habits clearly told Platterpuss that they were on the “main road between Valley of the Tombs and Faceplant Square” and the hares would be out there for everyone to see. As Mushy was speeding along the Death Mobile out there, we passed the Valley and were fast approaching FP Square. No Hares! Finally we passed the entrance road leading to FP Square and continued. Luckily SirCumNavigator was backseat driving and had been to the site before and had us do a U turn back INTO the entrance road to FP Square. Not between, but rather the ROAD THAT LEADS INTO FP SQUARE. Methinks Filthy was hanging out bushwhacking with the two female harriettes a bit too long and caught ditzitis.

A Bamboo Jungle for Midgets 

After a beginning On On that led to mass confusion and mayhem, we were finally told by the hares the correct route of the beginning since most hashers began taking the ending part of the hash. Once we were on on and out of the village, it was a pleasant enough hike through the obligatory graves and illegal chicken ranch with a smattering of hills and dale. Only then it got more “interesting”. We were soon on an up and up angle when we hit a smatter of shaggy and bush exceot that the bush got thicker and thicker and lower and lower. Knowing that it wasn’t possible for Filthy to have set this route, we surmised that he merely gave some flour to his co-hares and said “You go do it”. We finally cleared the muck and ended at a trail hacked away by the bird catchers of GZ with their nets lined up for fowl play. After clearing that area, the rest of the run along a ridge provided nice views of Valley of the Tombs as well as the backside of FP Square. Soon we were led along a path that required everyone to scale a barbed wire fence (with provided crotch protection in the form of a towel) but that didn’t prevent people like the English Lady Sam to exclaim that “I nearly got a hysterectomy crossing that section!” After this, we walked along a rushing stream that led us to a pool of water with frolicking little wood nymphs playing innocently inside. Luckily iPorn was kept a safe distance and could only take long distance photos! Soon after that we were all back safely, a little wetter but none the wiser.

Bad Jokes and Fresh Jokes

Once we all got cleaned up, it was determined that the area had too many peasants, so we loaded up our bourgeoisie bus and headed to more pleasant circle grounds. Soggy Biscuit got things going to a roaring start all the while Ally, iPorn’s child bearer and boss, was cooling off her buns on nice blocks of ice. There were many Kiwi down downs and GZH3 finally got to happily sing the “Stand Up If You Hate the French” song yet again! Platterpuss got Miriam up for a horrible joke in which he forgot the punchline but was predicated on the fact that she confided in him at the Mango that she had one eye. Platterpuss, in typical bad taste, bought up the famous “wood eye” joke in which he could not remember most of and kept referring to Mango as Sportsmans. After many rounds of accusations back and forth, it was decided that Ally’s ass was cold enough and it was time for her christening. Based on info received through hash intelligence networks, we learned Ally and GouBuLi were at a local restaurant pricing banquet services when the proprietor asked if she was a hasher and if she had a hash name. She responded “No…I’m still fresh” whereupon the owner assumed her name was “I’m still fresh”. Hilarity ensued and after a whole 2 minutes of deliberation, we officially and irrevocably have named Ally, wife of iPorn, to be forever in the future be known as “I’m Still Fresh”.

After that we all loaded up on the bus where a rare jolly singing session took us all over and we went to the overpriced restaurant where Sunshine boycotted a few weeks ago! 
 

On On!

Platterpuss  
 

Upcumming Hashes: 

Nov.8 (967) – Post US Erection Hash. “New Hope & Direction” or “Pray He Won’t Die” Hash 

Nov.15 (968) – TBA 

Nov. 22 (969) – TBA 

Nov. 29-30 (970, 971) – Yangshuo “DIY” Hash! 

Back to the 2pm Rule, Please!

Shoeless Ho! and Platterpuss, hauling a boatload of cheap, toxic and dangerous Halloween costumes destined for the French 1 Euro store empire that former GZ hasher YanCanSuck and family have built over the last decade, were not impressed  when they pulled up to the Mango entrance at 1:20 the doors were shuttered and NO hasher (not even Sunshine) was loitering about, waiting to be let in. This was unacceptable in so many ways. With the ice boys sitting around much earlier than they were told to be at Mango, the “Matti method” of door opening was employed and the 100% safe and burglar proof Mango doors were slid open for all to be let in. After sitting in the courtyard for a few minutes, lo and behold Sunshine came slinking in much to the joy of Shoeless. Many more minutes went by and finally at around 1:45 more and more hashers started arriving. Your scribe thought that perhaps word got around that ShakeThatBear and Screwer were in a hareing JV, and that might have been the reason for the low expectations and turnout. However, by the time we were off to load the bus (an unacceptable 2:15!), over 20 hashers turned out, including many newcummers.

Screwer Didn’t Get the Memo…

Heading North to what we thought might have been virgin territory, it seemed to the front sitting hashers that the hares were a bit perplexed on how to return to where they just were in the a.m. We were reassured by Shake That Bear that he knew exactly where we were but that we had to WAIT for another hasher prima donna that was cumming up from Dongguan again to meet us somewhere along the way. Was it “V”, Robbie Williams or Chris? Of course not…it was Flavia Flav yet again rushing with a stupid cab driver that could not communicate with Mush Mouth (to be fair, NO ONE can communicate with MM)! The yelling and screaming of directions was so loud, Platterpuss curled up into a ball, plugged his ears and started singing to himself like a shellshocked soldier trying to drown out the artillery on the Western Front! Someone needs to tell Black Sheep to make sure his bullpen can stay Friday night with him if they want to cum on the hash with us Saturday! Once we finally reached the starting point, a very generously flour marked chalk talk was done for the newcummers so they would not get lost on their first hash. Little did they know. As soon as the hares yelled “on on!” the hashers were off…to nothing. Misdirections and clever asides aside, the group was running around in circles until finally we were on trail for real. This is where we discovered two things: flour is a precious commodity like oil or gold and should not be used liberally on a hash trail AND Screwer was not in on the discussions at the last hash we had at this particular location with the decision that “it LOOKS like a promising place BUT the trails suck and you’re very limited in what you can do.” We also learned that Shake That Bear decided to use some “logic” on the trail by thinking that if he suddenly placed the dribble of flour on the left side of the trail, everyone would automatically know to shoot left and follow trail. NOT. That is what a check or an arrow is for. Live and learn. With our flour sniffing bloodhounds locked up in the pound, the best the hashers could do this day was fan out in skirmish lines like during the Civil War and hopefully cum across some flour once in a while. Luckily in many spots, the trail was pretty much constrained to one doable location and logi dictated location. Though towards the end, even the most experienced of hashers were afraid of doing the obvious! Finally after about 40-50 minutes out hashing about, we were all on in none worse for the wear. And we lost Sunshine!

A Rare Icing and Handover

After the “hide-and-seek the flour” session, we soon gathered near the suspiciously polluted looking pond with chicken feathers floating about. Matti said he had heard of pirhana ponds in China, so we were looking forward to seeing someone to fall in to verify our morbid curiosity! Unfortunately Sunshine did not finish the hash and was MIA. Soon the GM called for the circle to form and discipline was reasserted. After introducing the newcummers, Soggy Biscuit immediately placed the hares on ICE! This is a rare occurrence and only happens when the hash is deemed the “Worst Hash EVER”. Rightfully so! After hearing weak explanations by ShakeThatBear about needing to be more prudent with money in the wake of the financial crisis, it was discovered that the REAL reason was the most dangerous hybrid of all: putting together a Jew and a Cantonese!!! With this combination, one can squeeze blood from a rock and pinch diamonds out of assholes. So I’ve heard! Since GZH3 is not racist, we decided to not let Meatballs line the hares up against a wall for a final solution! After many down downs and ridiculous accusations, Soggy officially handed over the vestments of RA status over to ShakeThat Bear. How appropriate he would now wear the 2^nd hand garb of a pedophile Mexican Catholic priest. Papa ShakeThatBear would be so proud! Directly after that, ShakeThatBear pointed out the weekly camel toe award winner, thus alienating a newcummer into never cumming back ever again and sure to be an awkward situation when she walks by Globetwatter and SirCumNavigator on campus. Yet another first time hasher they brought sure to never return!! Good thing the administration of their school have not been invited to participate!!!

On On!

Platterpuss

Upcumming Hashes:

Okt.30 (965) – HELL-O-WEEN Hash! Dress up and scare Guangzhou people as we run thru the streets of the city!!

Nov.1 (966) – Pre US Erection Hash

Nov.8 (967) – Post US Erection Hash. “New Hope & Direction” or “Pray He Won’t Die” Hash

Nov.15 (968) – TBA

Post Holiday Rejuvenation…

The October 1^st National Day holiday came and went…the PRC is another year older, the Hash is another step closer to 1,000 and despite some missing regulars, we were able to muster 22 of the hardcore, including a few newcummers and returnees. The hares did not make it back to Mango for lunch and a drink with the rest of the pack, as what turned out to be an early morning setting with no fewer than THREE hares (Shoeless Ho, SirCumNavigator and Globetwatter) ended up to be a half day fiasco (for the hares, at least). Private Piles was there with honey Joe and CumsSoOften showed up without Mounting Goat which proves that after 6 months of pomp and ceremony, they really are finally legally married! Dongguan whorehouse doorman Vidas came with his buddy and Robbie Williams look alike, Ben. The girls were all creaming by then. Gou Bu Li brought virgin Jerry and Fire in the Hole brought her classmate Ah Liang. John Casey came again and by the time everyone 2:00 rolled around, Mattresspad and iPorn’s better half, Ally had sold a respectable amount of haberdash to willing and unwilling customers. After Mushmouth let us know at the last minute he wasn’t going to pick us up and a “buddy” would, we were left waiting out in front of the Mango for about 25 minutes before Mushy’s asshole “buddy” showed up (demanding immediate payment for the drinks he got and bitching about how he was only doing a favor for Mushy and didn’t really want to drive this day). What a WANK!!!

And We’re Off! Sort of…

Arriving in the Valley of the Tombs, we were shocked to see a filthy and bush beaten looking Sircumnavigator awaiting us in Yuan Bei Village. Was this a sign of things to cum?? We were told that after being lost all morning and not seeing trails that were allegedly there just months ago, the hares finally did the honorable French thing: surrender. So we were soon off in search of the trail and soon found cause for why the hares were bush beaten… sparse flour markings in overgrown bush amidst tricky holes and ditches soon separated the pack. Thinking that surely either the U.S. financial crisis or the China melamine scare were factors, hashers were heard muttering “what’s up with the NON use of flour on trail today??”  Eventually the pack sort of got caught up/bunched up when the trail took us along a couple hundred meters through a creek. Though the water was clear and probably unpolluted (compared to the Zhujiang River), pussies (iPorn) were seen running along the upper ridge following those actually brave enough to go along the marked (barely) trail (Platterpuss and CumsSoOften). After getting out of that predicament and getting back on trail, hashers were really off and up a well worn rock path through bamboo and forest. By that point the wankers broke from the runners and some runners became wankers. Though there were hardly and checks and no backchecks, the trail was reasonably smooth if not a bit predictable as it was essentially a live hash set by Soggy Biscuit and Platterpuss a few months ago. Again, all that was once passable here was now overgrown! All in all it was about an hour hash that provided virtually non stop trail running mixed in with some decent views. Maybe in the future, machetes will be standard issue for hares in Guangzhou!

Circle Jerk, Shoeless Lubed and More Ass Pain!!

Soon hashers were forming the circle net to the local catfish breeding pond and  local sewer. After the hares were roasted, the virgins inducted and the returnees pissed on, Shoeless got things going with a plethora of down downs including one for Platterpuss and CumsSoOften for being stupid enough to run through the creek, one for GouBuLi for giving a beer fix for her soon-to-be alcoholic 10-yr old son, and a down down for the two bearded American Johns for showing up without Filthy! Platterpuss got Shoeless up for drowning his crotch in olive oil before the hash to make himself run faster but also attracting the village dogs to the smell of oiled peanuts on the trail! During the entire time, poor young Joe was cooling off on several chunks of ice as hashers awaited in anticipation at his new name. He sat a long longer for further anticipation. Accusations were thrown out carelessly and soon villagers were crowding in so closely that John Casey was seen flirting with a granny that might well have been into foreign guys back during the Opium Wars! Being that we are nice, honorable and gallant hashers here in Guangzhou, we decided Joe had had enough of his ball freezing and the retraction of any anal problems he might have had. In fact, due to the fact that his dear sweetie Private Piles might have some issues with ice and rectum problems, it was decided that forever in the future Joe should be know on the Hash as PILE DRIVER. There was much celebrating and Pile Driver seemed a happy camper when the hash went off to dinner with a happy group, minus Sunshine because of her new policy of boycotting hash dinners due to their extravagance and bawdiness!!!

On On!

Platterpuss

Upcumming Hashes:

Okt. 11 (962) – Kiwi Fest ’08!

Okt. 14 – Full Moon Hash!

Okt. 18 (963) – TBA

Okt. 25 (964) – TBA

Okt.30 (965) – HELL-O-WEEN Hash! Dress up and scare Guangzhou people as we run thru the streets of the city!!

Will The Rain Stay Away Or Do We Cancel?

After a great job of promoting the second annual Old Timer?s Hash, finding special new hashing grounds, and booking a fancified roadside truckstop restaurant, GM Shoeless Ho started second guessing himself and stressing out as early as Thursday with panic text messages and calls to Mismanagement personnel asking whether the hash should be relocated to other closer sites for fear of minimal turnout and loss of revenue. Collectively we all told him to blow himself and go with the plan. This is the hash and the hash will GO ON ON regardless! Arriving at The Gold Mango at around 12:30, I saw a handful of hashers there and also began to feel a little nervous. I was fortified, however after seeing long time GZ hasher Mr. Clean sitting at a table and looking eager to go! Soon after, the hashers began slowly filing in: Old Timers, first timers and regulars. It seemed the propaganda campaign worked. Among the faces were Spiderman and his wife Margaret, Bottom Feeder, his sister Jo, her daughter Jennifer, his girlfriend QQ, their dog Money Shot, as well as Semi frequent hasher Cums So Often with his lovely missus Mounting Goat. Additionally, Joe and Jenny were there with a friend from Shanghai, Pietro was back, Beer Babushka with his hottie gf Varvara, Alex (illegitimate son of the current Russian president) and Yoyo. Meatball, the newest addition to the GZ diplomatic corps was there and some hashers I really, really missed were back: Pink Bits, Sunshine and Pinprick!!! In addition, there was Florian (lochschwager with an unnamed hasher here), an albino German returnee, Everready, her daughter, and a handful of others. Soon we were over 30 and Shoeless was getting blamed for overbooking the bus much in the manner of the airlines! After re-assessing our beverage needs, we were off to Conghua!

2 Sets of Hares and a Clueless Sweeper

After arriving at the ?A? point and describing the markings with the virgins, TWO different sets of hares took off in different directions to attempt to make it the best hash ever. Were we Shoeless?d? Well Globetwatter, Sir Cumnavigator, Filthy Habits and Shoeless Ho were hopefully going to prove that we were not to be Shoeless?d. After a bit of a clusterfuck in the beginning, everyone was on trail and traversing the fields and lychee groves of the basin. Knowing we were heading to the general direction of a hilly outcrop nearby, front running studs Spiderman and Platterpuss turned it up a notch. It paid off when they saw the hairy sasquatch back of hare #3 Sircumnavigator stealthily going into the old growth groves in front of them. Trying not to scare the beast, but wanting to catch him, the two ex GMs shot into the grove in hot pursuit. Alas the beast gave them the slip and as they were headed up a hill, the flour was soon sparse and hard to find. The rest of the pack was a bit far behind but the ?on ons? could be heard in the distance. Into valleys, along gulleys, through creeks the trail went, giving the hashers a good variety of hill, village, grove, and track. There were enough strategically placed checks and backchecks to keep things interesting as well. Finally after all the fun, we were back to the bus where the 4 exhuasted hares were passed out on the roadside. Naturally upon arrival, the usual SIrcumnavigator rant started with ?you missed the best part of the trail!? when Spiderman and Platterpuss popped up behind them but a few short moments after they finished up.

Circle Fun and Allusions to Inflammation

About 15 minutes after the two intrepid ex-GMs finished, the first group of runners came trundling in. After that, there was a slow succession of walkers and ex-runners. However, after most people were starting to drink cold beverages and the Russians were well into their snogging and dry humping, there was a gaggle of lost sheep spotted on a hillside way off any marked trail. Surely there was a competent sweeping hare to guide them in safely? Well, it appears Thumbleprints was that ?hare? and being she is of the female persuasion AND Asian, we knew they were fucked. Additionally, Globetwatter said ?she took a map along with her?. With short fuses and not wanting the burden of lost hashers, Filthy and SirCum took off in their general direction to perform a rescue operation worthy of the US government during Hurricane Katrina. After all sheep were safely in their pen did a good circle get underway with Soggy Biscuit presiding and RAT Shake That Bear trying out his new material. Screwer was put on ice early for passing a significant run number (which I forgot) but was presented with run patches and a good spanking. After other recognitions, Jenny (Jellyneck?s gf) was iced for a while as well for a mysterious reason. As the circle was losing focus and cars and motorcycles kept driving through, things were opened up to general accusations, infractions and other misdemeanors. Bottomfeeder?s sister Jo was called up for ?mother of the year? award for bringing her innocent daughter Jennifer to an adult, drinking hash where her innocence was forever lost. A line was drawn in the sand with Meatball and the other Kraut lined on one side and the Russians (along with Spiderman?s wife the Pole) on the other and a challenge was thrown down for the Germans to invade AGAIN! With Varvara on the other side of a line, I?D invade any day!! After the mayhem, it was decided Jenny needed a hash name even though it was probably her first and LAST hash EVER. There was much discussion about the movie ?Full Metal Jacket? and a certain medical condition she suffers from that was told to us in secret by her bf Joe. It was henceforth decided that forever more in the future, Jenny would be known as ?Private Piles?. Ouch.

Dinner, Piss Stops & More

After the bus was loaded up and we said our goodbyes to lychee farm #1, we were off to an on on dinner at a roadside fine dining establishment as only could be done in Guangdong.? Everyone enjoyed some tasty morsels of Canto style food that was far too few in between, but who?s complaining? The beers kept flowing and the Russians were snogging. On the ride back to GZ, Alex was caught pissing out the back window onto G105 and whatever poor motorcyclist that was behind him. After a real stop by Mushy, Alex was caught taking a DUMP on the roadside as well! This poor boy has some serious self control issues. There was merriment and singing as Platterpuss sang Allouette with Varvara (an excuse to touch the hot Russkie, no doubt). After arriving GZ, people bade their farewells and it could be heard that though it was not the BEST HASH EVER, it was certainly a fun and merry day overall. The new shirts were complimented and Sircumnavigator had cooled down to a reasonable 40 degrees Centrigade. Mr Clean could be heard saying ?Arrrr arrr arrrr???

On On!

Platterpuss

International Events

This week’s hash was due to meet at our spanking new location: Golden Mango.

As it turned out, we had to meet at Sportsmans one last time. The Mango was closed due to security reasons; a group of government officials were meeting at Baiyun Hotel to discuss some international sport event that’s happening soon in Beijing. You might have heard about it. Of course, hashers don’t pay much attention to these goings-on because we all know the true meaning of sport: getting sweaty in the bush and then drinking some beer. That’s what it’s about, Baby! Today’s hash event didn’t affect the operation of the whole Huanshi Lu bar district, nor did it require any ancient hutongs to be torn down. Admittedly though, it did require overseeing by at least one foreign diplomat.

Urban changes

The location for this week’s run was our favourite, Faceplant Square. It had been weeks since we last hashed here, so naturally the landscape had changed almost beyond recognition. A new motorway had sprung up, a large construction area right next to the Square marked the spot of a future mega-factory, and recently even old village houses are being replaced at fast rate by modern tiled cubes. Before long, Faceplant will be urban enough for a full moon hash.

Hot and sticky … from running

The run was to be a Filthy Habits haring, however he bowed out at the last minute. Apparently the presence of one particular hasher had him in fear of being caught. Who was it that made him so afraid? Was it our former American marines, or the youthful newcumer from Shekou? No, in fact it was petite little Mad Hatter.

So Soggy Biscuit and Platterpuss marked the trail. They began the trail with a check, which effectively eliminated the walkers’ head start. Following that they lead us straight up the hill over the motorway tunnel, then back down to the banana plantations and into an old friend that we haven’t seen for a while: a boobie check. For most, that was more than enough exercise for a hot day, and they took the walkers’ track back to grab a cold brew. (In fact, for Sunshine it was way too much exercise, so she hared her own special Sunshine trail).

The runners’ trail on the other hand just went go on and on. It seems what happened is hare Soggy got caught round one side of the 25-hectare factory construction site, and had no option but to continue on all the way round. This had at least one hidden benefit: it gave the runners a final chance to enjoy Faceplant Village in its last gasp of pre-industrialised quaintness.

Dissappearing newcumers

RA Soggy Biscuit began the circle by calling up newcumers, only to find half of them gone. Yup, Celina’s friends had caught a bus and headed into town. Possibly a wise move. That left Beer Babooshka (not exactly a newcumer, but hashing as a Guangzhouite for the first time) and Tony and Chanel, who managed to peel their hands off each other just long enough to do their down-downs.

Then Soggy, having no one to put on ice today, sat down himself for no immediately obvious reason. His logic became clear though when a troupe of hashettes, lead by Mattress Pad, performed a belly dance routine, and Soggy ended up with a front-row seat (or should that be, back-row seat) to enjoy all the wriggling action.

Boxy Pussy, showing cleavage all the way down to her belly button, gave one bizarre accusation after another. Shake That Bear called her back up after each one to tell her “Huh??,” but that just encouraged her. At the height of the madness, hashers were called up to do a down-down for wearing green. Or something.

The star of the circle was undoubtedly Celina. At first she sipped her Golden Nectar as diffidently as always, but by the end she was downing it like a sailor. And as for Hami Melons … well, the less said about her the better. Who knows what might get back to her husband (who was notably absent from the day’s run).

Highway Department: Whoops

On the way back, our driver Mushmouth came a-cropper at the new motorway interchange. Despite a large signpost over each of the four lanes, someone had forgotten to signpost directions to the town of … what’s that place called again … oh that’s right: GUANGZHOU. Still, with some helpful guesswork from the hash team Mushy quickly got us back on course.

Make sure you turn up next week for more great hashing action. Some special events may be planned; watch your inbox for details.

On On !

Burger King

New beginnings

Todays hash was a day of firsts, and also a day of lasts. It was our first “semi-away” hash, taking us for one day outside the city of Guangzhou to nearby Kaiping. It was our first hash in a luxurious air-conditioned bus with a polite well-spoken driver.

And it was the first hot summer hash day that Happy Ending abandoned her usual long trousers in favour of running shorts.

Oh no wait. That last one still hasn’t happened.

On a sad note, it was our last time hashing out of the old and familiar Sportsman’s Restaurant. Long-time owner Pussy Sniffer turned out to see us off and reminisce over old times. Of course, we told him to fuck off to where ever he’s going next (rumour has it, somewhere else in China). Some people were polite enough to wish him luck with his new venture there.

Newcomers included Marco from Anhui; also Flavior from Dongguan, together with some Kiwi who tried to pick her up in McDonalds. He probably impressed her by flashing his currency – in Zimbabwean dollars, as always.

Arrival in Kaiping

Our trip was well timed, being exactly one year after UNESCO declared Kaiping as a world heritage site. The city’s famous diaolou, or watchtowers, are multistory residences that were used to protect townsfolk from marauding bandits and stroppy female acupuncturists. The surviving examples of diaolou mostly date from a period when there was significant contact with the West, so they preserve a hint of cross-cultural exchange.

As we drove into town, the members of Guangzhou Hash imagined what cross-cultural exchange would be like. Must be lots of mutual respect and understanding.

A wild west village

The hares Blue Balls, Filthy Habits and Flashing Snapper, together with a bunch of Snapper’s middle school friends, met us at Chi-kan Village. This small town thrived on Californian gold during the gold-rush era, but hasn’t really developed much since. As a result, it remains as a unique architectural snapshot of that period.

The feeling of the place was genuinely antique as we visited the three shops which are still in business. We stopped at a place run by a snake-oil salesman (literally; probably figuratively as well). Tricky Dick’s feet were deliciously marinated with an alcoholic foot rub; other hashers poked around the back and discovered a Bruce Lee-style dojo complete with a wooden man and what appeared to be wooden punching bags.

Sunshine went to the market stalls to treat us to a local specialty food: Tasteless Cellulose. Thanks Sunshine. Lunch included a more edible specialty of peppered tofu. Hami Melons was seen to smile as hubby Shoeless Ho scoffed the parsley garnish.

Next stop was the Majianglong Village, a traditional village area which also had some spectacular diaolou. Here, Flashing Snapper’s friends hospitably welcomed us into their home. We were wowed by their museum-piece table and chair set that harked back to a former age. Cums With Cockney received a bit of wowing herself as she stripped off to reveal running gear that was little more than a bikini with sneakers.

On the trail

And so the run began. In an almost entirely flat piece of countryside, the hares had managed to find the only rocky outcrop and set the run there. And what a fantastic thing it was that they did –the flat countryside below, bright sun and clear air combined to give a view that left us speechless (except for Mountin Goat who is never speechless.) A popular viewing point was a large boulder that was great for sitting on. That is, until Flashing Snapper told us it was a lucky spot for people who wish to marry. Male hashers have never moved so fast as they did to get off that rock.

Back down on the flat, the trail was almost entirely flooded at several spots. A popular response was to remove shoes and socks and then wade through the warm mud in bare feet. This ensured that the outside of the shoes stayed clean, while the inside became filthy – probably the opposite of the desired result.

We passed through one village with trepidation; that morning, the hares had run out of flour and bought more “on credit”. Somewhere in the Guangdong countryside, one storekeeper is waiting patiently for her two kuai.

On arriving back at the village, Fire In The Hole was waiting ready to hose down dirty hashers. The enthusiasm she had for this activity was positively kinky. We then circled up in the middle of Majianglong Village under the shade of one large diaolou.

Nipples galore

Visitor Kung Poo was frustrated after a few minutes in the circle. Although his physical gorgeousness was obvious to all, nobody had yet given him a down-down for it. Luckily he could do something about that: he could take the floor himself and not-so-subtly draw attention to his Nordic good looks.

That took most of the rest of the circle.

Boxy Pussy, presumably as revenge for all the recent breast-related down-downs, organised a pink nipples contest. No one is really sure who won, but each participant could appreciate the cool drink of Sol beer at the end.

Despite the smooth running of the day’s activities, there had been the usual snags in preparations, including missed meeting times and places. Who was to blame? It must be Blue Balls and Filthy! Flashing Snapper called them up for, surprisingly, two of the more coherent down-downs of the day.

Return to Guangzhou

We finished up with dinner at Kaiping and a return to Guangzhou. The plan was to farewell the Sportsman’s with one last drink, but when arriving shortly after midnight the place was already shut and the door locked tight. It was a sombre ending to a day of sun and new adventure.

On On !

Burger King

The Heat is On!

After bearing with week upon week of non-stop, biblical proportion rain, drowning half of Guangdong province and washing the heavily polluted upriver factory waste into Guangzhou, the Hash Gods decided enough was enough and that unbearable, hellish heat should be the order of the day instead. Despite the roasting temperatures and steamy humidity, a solid crowd of 21 hashers braved it all and showed up to The Meeting Place, including such successful returnees as Blacksheep with his overstuffed wallet with BILLIONS upon BILLIONS of dollars!! Hey girls of Huanshi Lu…have we got a catch for you!! Joining the returnees was Happy Ending, Wu The F**k, and, of course, iPorn! As we were hareless this day, it was  decided by the Hash Higherups by decree that Filthy Habits and Globetwatter were to be live hares for this auspicious day and we were soon On On!!

To The Valley of the Tombs

Barely 100 meters from The Meeting Place, a taxi blocked our progress and who should hold up the happy band of hashers but Gou Bu Li. Apparently she was on her own schedule and we didn’t realize we had to change our timing for HER! To her credit, however, she happily chugged a mini vessel full of Qingdao without puking and again we were on our way. It should have been an omen for the hares when Mushmouth missed his turn to Yuan Bei villahe and had to add another couple kilometers before he could do a U-turn to get back on trail. During the whole bus trip, SirCumNavigator was whining about trying new sex positions and possibly “pulling” something, thus making him too in pain to run this day and that he was going to be a wanker. What’s new? Once we arrived at the site, the hares got their customary generous head start and we were soon off on the best worst hash ever!?

A to A to A Hash Trail

After being on on for about 20 minutes, hashers were led back to the starting point and we all thought the hares were just too wasted to continue in the heat. Before anyone could crack open the beers, though, we realized they merely got lost (as this was semi virgin territory) and resumed trail after having been caught by walker SirCumNavigator. Fair enough…we wanted our 50 kuai’s worth! After resuming the search for the hares, we were thankful that they planned most of the trail under tree shade and along well worn paths. That is, until we got to “The Fuckup Check” searching over and over for nearly 30 minutes, a large pack of hashers insanely and lemming like followed Shoeless Ho on trail yelling “on on” to what some suspected to be no flour. Not giving in and remaining skeptical, Soggy Biscuit and Platterpuss were still milling about near the check when lo and behold! The HARES appeared down a trail stealthily marking. Officially tagging the hares as “caught”, they were told that after the check there was a backcheck and the trail forked off. Not having ever seen the backcheck and knowing a pack of fools was on nothing, the band of skeptics, including Broken Hymen, BlackSheep and his Afrikaaner buddy Lodie were on on true trail! Finally on again, the trail took us through some areas of questionable safety and yet some higher altitude with nice views and trails. The hares were deemed officially CAUGHT TWICE, thus equaling a record set by Shoeless Ho and Burger King a few weeks ago.

Mexican Culture and a RAT

When all hashers finally got back after Shoeless Ho realized he was leading most of the pack into nothingness, there were a lot of frightened, weary, sweaty and heat exhausted people! The circle soon got underway and longtime hasher Roberto was placed on the seat of honor immediately. Once newcummers were recognized (Lodie), returnees were laughed at and the usual fun and games got underway, we noticed there was an “assistant” RA cumming out in the form of Shake That Bear. As RAT (RA Trainee), one must be funny, interesting, and willing to be the court jester and molester for all to enjoy. Apparently after many accusations, it was determined (with much discussion) in light of Roberto’s Spanish name and the fact that he was well known for wiping his DiDi against a girl’s upper lip after anal sex (?!?!), he would forever in the future be know as DIRTY SANCHEZ on this and any other hash worldwide!!! Congratulations!!!

After returning to The Meeting Place, hashers were off to a Canto/Hunan/Chinese dinner nearby and bade farewell, fuckoff, bon voyage and best wishes to Sausage Sniffer who gave her best shot at revamping The Meeting Place and making it a respectable watering hole and eatery in the ever competitive GZ market. She was probably a victim of the new, friendly, inviting, warm, welcoming China visa policies as well to show they welcome the world to attend this August’s Olympic games and general self-masturbatory exercise.

On On!

Platterpuss

God Must Be A Hasher

Despite pissing rain all week here in GZ and generally being dark and dank, much like Sportsman’s usually is this time of year, Saturday turned out to be amazingly rain free, though you could tell the sky wanted desperately to unleash. When I arrived at The Meeting Place (TMP), I was greeted by a yelping puppy tied to a chair and not much else. I guess Sausage Sniffer was fattening up the evening’s main course! As 2 o’clock approached, people finally began drifting into TMP and what a score of returnees we had! Dan from LA was back, followed by Broken Hymen, Shocked (or Dr. Strangeglove as he’s known in Taiwan), Roberto, Dr Jessica, and even Vanilla Rice!! There was only one newcummer…a Kiwi (former Aussie) named Two Cocks. Sausage Sniffer heard this and immediately called dibs on him! By the time we were off and on the road, we were a happy band of 19 hashers with two more supposedly meeting us in Tianhe. Once we hit Guangyuan Lu near the East Station, the bus ground to a halt as we waited for newcummer Midea Matt and….but we thought she fucked off…Frigid Bitch!! When they got to the bus, they were greeted with latecummer down downs and we were again On On!!

How Can You Go Wrong With FP Square?

If the government were to bulldoze Luogang over and build more factories, GZH3 would probably have to go hashing as far as Conghua or Qingyuan in the future. But for now, we still have lovely Faceplant Square!! Against the hash’s wish to have another Shoeless Ho hared hash, Platterpuss picked himself and Filthy Habits to be the brave, well-hung, intrepid and fashionable hares this week. And what an amazing job they did! Starting from Mao Portrait village, they led the hash through fields destined to be a main boulevard, a sleepy old village with slippery stone walkways and alleys and up into the wilderness of amazing natural virginity…regardless of the major highway that cut through the mountain. Descending from the vantage point of the hilltops, the hares turned into a farming valley full of unlicensed pig farms and vicious guard dog-protected ma & pa veggie fields. After a couple of ingeniously placed backchecks  that had everyone looking, the hares devilishly headed up, up and UP!! Meanwhile, as the hares were ascending, they didn’t know one poor young boy was hopelessly lost and wandering the villages and trails alone all due to a trail wetting stop at the beginning. After peaking yet again (Gao Chao!!), Filthy Habits and Platterpuss had the hash going into heavily wooded areas and finally through the Luogang Temple complex and out through the FP Square park. All in all, it was an incredible, challenging, and all around feel-good hash!! SircumNavigator was heard exclaiming “Great Hash!” on his way in as well as “Possibly the best hash of May 31st!” Two Cocks couldn’t have agreed more.

Stiff Carrots & Animal Rights Violations

Again this week we were without the services of RA Soggy Biscuit so we had to improvise with whatever we had. Waiting the requisite 5 minutes for the final hashers, we decided Dan was a goner and dedicated the Memorial Day that just passed in his honor. And after just 3 hashes. There was a lot of healthy carrot munching going on in the circle as the banana market was sold out and Globetwatter was complaining of not getting enough stiff things to eat lately. Sausage Sniffer was spied carving her carrot into the familiar shape of a male organ. A liver! After fruitless searching, Shoeless Ho got on a motorcycle and headed out to find missing young Dan. As he did that, we decided to hurry the circle along so we could close it and then leave without him! Fortunately(?) as the circle was humming along, who cums running in but young Dan himself!!! He looked a bit frightened and distressed but the experience was good for him and made him a stronger man! He was immediately put on ice and the circle continued. After many a down down and accusation, it was time to find out why young Dan was sitting on that block of cold heaven. It was also the first time the Guangzhou Hash House Repertory had the opportunity to show their theatrical talents! So with Platterpuss as narrator, Shoeless Ho as “The Bear”, Dan and Frigid Bitch went hunting in the woods for the evening meal. Soon a giant bear was spotted in the tree overhead! Frigid leveled her rifle and with one true shot (cumming!) hit the bear between the eyes and felled him from the tree! As the poor bear was lying on the ground and bleeding out, Dan the perv straddled Frigid Bitch over the bear carcass and began SHAGGING her!! My what barbaric actions!!! All the while he was humping this fine female thespian (or was that lesbian?) he was muttering “Shake that bear…yeah, shake that bear!” Apparently awebsite with this phrase is on the internet with just such a video and Dan couldn’t stop going on about it on the ride out with Platterpuss and Poontang Hua, so it was a no brainer: from this moment henceforth, you shall be forever known on all hashes as “SHAKE THAT BEAR”. If anyone was interested in seeing the actual video, Shake ThatBear kindly forwarded the links the following week!!

On On!

Platterpuss